Let's Get Cynical

I had to see this movie, and I'll tell you why, since when one actually admits that one sees "XXX: State of the Union," let alone write a review for it, one really does need an excuse. Or if you did see it and you do not want to admit to it, then you need an alibi. Simply put, "XXX: State of the Union" is like killing someone. If you repeatedly see the movie, then you are on the level of Ted Bundy when it comes to movie watching. But more to the point, when the original "XXX" was released, I had a friend who was a manager at a local movie theater. One night, he invited myself and another friend to come preview the film when the reels came in. It was a free screening. In the end, the film drove us absolutely insane. It was just the same gutless current action movie trite, only in rip off form, with characters who didn't quite gain our sympathy on the "give a damn" meter. By the last 15 minutes of the film, my friends and I resorted to throwing buckets of popcorn at eachother and cracking as many jokes as we could while dodging the popcorn, especially the ones with the extreme sharp ends. By the end of the night, I sprained my ankle during a shopping cart race. It was one of the best bad movie nights ever.

So if I was to ever gain any of those old memories from the prescreening of "XXX" back, then I would have to see this new sequel. Of course, I could just watch the original again, but why go back to the shwag when you can get some new shwag from a different set of street pushers. Plus, I've always been an avid fan of the Ebert & Roeper show, in all due honesty. To watch these guys rip apart a film is like having your psychiatrist break the mood and scream at you. Could be warranted, could not be, but damn it is brilliant to endure. With that said, I have never seen Richard Roeper hate a movie as much as he hated this film. I believe the words "cynical action crap" came up, and by the end of the episode, he was booing. This movie made Roeper boo Sims Style. I had to see this flick with respects to Richard Roeper.

Yeah, it's a bad film. That goes without saying. It's one of those bad films that has a wretched stank, even though it didn't really anger me, because I knew what I was asking for. It's like inviting a skunk over for dinner and getting angry because he ruined your new tablecloth. Somethings you just have to expect and endure because you asked for it. The movie is just a giant mess and it exists for two whole reasons. Not only do we have this film because there was a first one that made money, but another key factor behind this marketing slide show is so we can get stuff blowing up real good while a character walks in slow motion in front of the said explosion, pretending not to hear a damn thing. Those shots have been going on for over 25 years. You're no longer cool and original when you seamlessly walk in front of an explosion. You are a poser.

I think what really got to me about this movie is how it really isn't anything like the first one, and it sounds weird for me to say that because, as slightly hinted earlier, I didn't even like the first one. But I think that a movie like the original "XXX" could possibly be done right with a decent script. I could picture an action movie about an extreme sports athlete who is trained to be a secret agent, and I could see it working. The original didn't work because it had the lack of any likable characters or puns that even bordered on halfway decent. The movie felt like it wasn't trying to be inspired from James Bond, it felt like it was ripping it off.

But atleast with the extreme sports factor, there were some extreme sports action sequences, like the avalanche chase (which was taken right from "On Her Majesty's Secret Service," but who's counting), the parasailing, and whatever the hell he was trying to accomplish when he jumped out of the car after he drove off of a bridge. This movie doesn't try to build from that or put that type of situation into a good movie because it doesn't even have any of that. It has the flair of a direct to video sequel.

The Ice Cube character (named Darius Stone) is not built, he's not tough, he's not an extreme sports athlete, and he can barely carry his own action scene. In fact, he really can't carry an action scene because he isn't even in them. No one is. There's a car chase scene in this movie where Cube is driving after a bullet train in Washington DC. The car gets up on the tracks, the wheels tear off, and he's riding the rails. The CGI in this scene is so completely laughable that it represents every single thing wrong with modern day action films all in that one tiny scene. It makes the Benny The Cab chase in "Roger Rabbit" look more realistic on a "French Connection" par. Real cars do not move and shift like the cars in this movie. CGI cars on the other hand do. That's why CGI can be a wolf in sheep's clothing. The audience for this film has just been devoured.

I don't know what's even prompting me to go into a detail about this film's plot, but I guess everyone who reviews this film has to swallow their own pride. At the beginning of the film we find out that Xander Cage (Diesel from the first film) has been murdered and there is also an attack on the XXX agency. The search is on for a new XXX and before the opening credit sequence, we have found him. It's a former Navy Seal who is currently serving time in prison. After seeing him go through the usual "prison bitterness" scenes, he is put into action with a crew that looks and talks uncannily like back up dancers from a Tommy Hillfinger commercial.

There is a conspiracy in Washington DC to overthrow the Presidency. Once that would happen, all the power of the country would rest with the Secretary of Defense played by Willem Dafoe, who looked a lot happier in that "Spider Man 2" Easter Egg than he does in this film. Throughout the movie, there are several betrayals from characters who are indeed stupid, but smart enough to know that the good guys are stupid enough not to suspect them. The film's climax revolves around the assassination attempt on the President which takes place during the State of the Union address. I guess that's a reference to the movie's subtitle, even though when I saw the film, it had the subtitle of "The Next Level."

This scene has men in black masks, night vision goggles, and machine guns storming the US Capitol and trying to wipe out as many officials as they can while getting to the president. How in the hell they got that far in the first place, I have no idea. In an age where the real president lives in his own Truman Show by conducting fake town hall meetings where people who would even slightly oppose him are allowed nowhere near the event, I find it hard to believe that people who seem like Video Game villains could storm the Capitol and have everyone around them remaining surprised and awestruck by the threat. But I guess this isn't the kind of movie where you're supposed to ask that. This is the kind of movie that has dialogue that goes something like this: when the Secretary of Defense makes a snide remark about how the President should have gotten his hand's dirty, the President looks at him and simply says "F*ck you." No matter what kind of movie this is, I want to puke.

If this were done in the name of humor and parody, that would be one thing. Ice Cube plays the part without cracking even a smirk as he carries this annoyed and angry look of snobbery throughout the whole movie, while being about as convincing of an action hero as Joe Don Baker was in "Mitchell." He pouts, complains, shouts his conspiracy theories and loads up machine guns. He also sits in front of a green screen a time or two. As far as the movie being oblivious to parody, that is more obvious in this than it was in the first film. To fight back at his enemies, Cube takes control over a tank and claims that it is the first "tank jacking" in history. He has not seen "Goldeneye."

The film has been out in theaters for about a month now, and so far has only brought in about 24 million dollars. The concept was that in each new "XXX" film, a new actor would be chosen to be the next lead character. The end of this film even has the Samuel L. Jackson and Scott Speedman characters discussing what kind of character traits they want in the next XXX (oddly the term likable didn't come up). I think it's an interesting idea to have a new hero for every movie in a franchise, but with this film's poor reception and lack of any redeeming quality, I think that my guess of who is going to be the next XXX will be about as accurate as anything else. That is why I am going with Eddie Deezen.

I'll leave on this note. When I saw the film, a section of it was missing. One minute Ice Cube was in prison, and the next minute he was loading up gear at the headquarters. Looking at the trailer, I believe I missed a prison break scene where Cube jumps onto a moving helicopter. Why this agency couldn't just spring him the old fashioned Nick Nolte/Eddie Murphy way, I'm not sure, but I do know that if more scenes in this film had been mysteriously chopped out on accident, then it may have gotten a better word of mouth, because there would be little to complain about it. In fact, if they had just decided to not make the movie at all, people would have loved it!