The Princess Bride: My grandfather even loved it in 1920

My grandfather was an immigrant from Florin who, like most natives of Florin, was very proud of his heritage. S. Morgenstern was, in his eyes a national hero for preserving the history of his homeland so perfectly. It was perhaps fortunate that he passed on years before William Goldman got his hands on this classic work.

I for one wouldn’t agree with him, but I am certain that my grandfather would have found the abridgement by Goldman an atrocity. I just finished reading the book after years and years of meaning to do so myself. When my mother stopped by and saw it on the table, she mentioned that her father had been quite a fan of the original book himself.

Grandfather Linden was not only an avid reader, but a great reviewer of books. After a few days my mother called me and asked me to come over. She had found something that I might be interested in, up in the attic. I was astonished to find a chest full of Grandfather Linden’s published works. More amazing to me, he had reviewed S. Morgenstern’s work himself in a rather lengthy article that he had published in North Atlantic Weekly back in the late 1920s. I felt it only fitting that I abridge his review and post it where once again people might read his sage and witty advice.

▪ The Princess Bride: A Classic Tale of True Love and High Adventure, or is it the True History of Florin?

One might ponder when reading the Princess Bride why the book feels so familiar. If that someone reading the book has ever been to Florin, or in my case, lived there, the feeling of familiarity is that of the history that permeates this text. While certainly the characters seem to be the fictitious creation of Mr. Morgenstern, research shows that most of them are historical figures from Florin’s colorful history . . .

Hey, it’s me butting in for a moment. I just wanted to let you know that I cut about a page here. Grandfather spent a bit of time talking about the history of Florin and who the main characters in the book might have really been. He was my grandfather, but it seems to me that his research was pretty weak. Most of what he presented was more wishful thinking than hard facts. Besides, much of what he wrote about was cut out of the current version of the book edited by Goldman.

Thus the history of Florin, cleverly disguised, resides within the framework of a fantastic adventure. While this portion of the book might seem to be of lesser importance than the preservation of Florin’s majestic past, it does provide a perfect incentive as a learning tool. This grand escapade is well conceived, proving Morgenstern’s genius as well as his dedication to learning and history.

In brief, the back-story is that of Buttercup and Westly, the male and female representatives of Everyman if you will. Raised together on a farm, where the beautiful Buttercup resides with her family and Westly is an indentured servant, they realize they are in love. Westly leaves to seek his fortune in America swearing that he will return to make the gorgeous Buttercup his wife one day . . .

Me again, Grandfather got off on a tangent here. He seemed to think that Westly represented the country of Florin at the turn of the century when there was a mass exodus to the United States. As fascinating as that might have seemed to him, I was amazed that he was published with four paragraphs of such drivel.

Buttercup is devastated to learn that Westly’s ship has been taken by the infamous Dread Pirate Roberts. He must be dead, because the Dread Pirate leaves no survivors . . .

Grandfather really got bent out of shape here. Another few paragraphs discuss how he is pretty certain that the Dread Pirate (Roberts) is actually Edward Teach (better known as Blackbeard). He goes on to explain that the characters of Fezzik, the giant, and Inigo, the Spaniard, form a conglomerate of the Blackbeard along with the actual pirate. Again, it is almost clever, but more of a reach than a supported fact. Sorry Gramps.

▪ Enough with the abridgement
I feel the need to break in here just to inform everyone that there is no such place as Florin and the preceding paragraphs were all simply a fabrication. Those of you who read the book should have had a little chuckle, those of you who haven’t are probably scratching your head wondering what is wrong with me. Well, it’s pretty simple. The device above is pretty much how Goldman wrote this book. Essentially he wrote a fake abridgement from an author that doesn’t exist.

The text of the Princess Bride is interrupted on occasion by Goldman cutting in to tell us how the fictitious author, S. Morgenstern got way off track or spent 110 pages on the Princess of Guilder deciding what to pack for a visit to Florin. Essentially, it flows much like the movie, with Fred Savage playing the part of the young Goldman. Except that Goldman’s part never really happened either.

It is a terribly funny book to read. It has in fact two stories packed into its 400 pages. The tale that most readers will already know from seeing the movie, and Goldman’s fictional story of how he and why he abridged the book. There are a lot of humorous anecdotes about Goldman’s fat son in the book, which might have been mildly offensive if he really had a son. In fact he has two daughters which is a good thing. His son might have been scarred for life if he had read what Goldman wrote.

▪ The Basic Story
It’s pretty unlikely that anyone hasn’t at least seen the movie, but I know that one or two of you have probably failed to do so. I highly recommend both the movie and the book. Make it a priority to get through at least one or the other soon. This is classic good stuff!

The story, as my fictitious grandfather started to mention, is of Buttercup and Westly’s quest for true love. Assuming that Westly has been killed by the Dread Pirate Roberts, Buttercup agrees to marry Prince Humperdink after informing him that she will never love him. Before the wedding, she is kidnapped by a hunchback (Vezzini, the Sicilian), a giant (Fezzik the Turk) and a swordsman (Inigo, the Spaniard). A man in black, wearing a mask, pursues them, gaining on them despite the inconceivable odds. The man in black climbs the impossible Cliffs of Insanity, beats Inigo’s sword, Fezzik’s strength and Vizzini’s intellect. He then takes Buttercup as his own prize.

In turn they are pursued by Humperdink, who is the greatest hunter that Florin has ever seen. Just as Buttercup escapes the man in black, she realizes that he is Westly. Things get even more difficult for the two lovers from there. Will they escape the Fire Swamp, the Prince? How can they be together when the prince needs to save face?

▪ So what makes it a good read?
Goldman refers to this as “the good parts version.” His interludes back and forth from supposed reality to the story he is claiming to be abridging are humorous if you don’t know that he is abridging his own writing. Knowing that he wrote it all, statements such as, “Morgenstern’s Classic Tale of True Love and High Romance . . . You had to admire a guy who called his new book a classic . . .” are even more amusing since Goldman himself titled the book.

He often refers to Morgenstern as a genius of narrative, again amusing to think of Goldman patting himself on the back. But then later he will call out a part of the book as sheer stupidity. Goldman even encourages people to mail a request to the publisher for a copy of a chapter that he wrote believing there was a need for more narrative in one section. The missing chapter, of course, does not exist.

Goldman also created a pretty unique voice for his fictitious author, Morgenstern. Morgenstern does a lot of odd things in “his writing.” Humorous time references often appear in parenthesis, such as: “All of her clothes came from Paris (this was after Paris) and she had superb taste. (This was after taste too, but only just . . .)” Goldman then launches into a commentary on Morgenstern’s odd use of parenthesis and whether Morgenstern was serious in their use or not. He isn’t sure.

Beyond Goldman’s humor filled intrusions into his own story, the story itself is quite good and very funny as well. The characters motivations aren’t always quite on par with your expectations but this is part of what makes them a bit more believable. They wouldn’t work in a serious story, but for something as far-fetched and comical as this tale, they are nearly perfect.

Goldman keeps you on your toes with the story, constantly throwing the unexpected at you. Just like Fred Savage’s character in the movie, you keep thinking, That cannot be right, it doesn’t happen that way. Much of what Goldman created here is pure genius. As a writer, I am honestly a little jealous that I didn’t think of it first.

Goldman’s text does have a couple of inconsistencies in it that were mildly annoying to me. The prince has to marry because his father is dying and he needs a bride. Still he chooses Buttercup not as his future wife, but instead to start a war. That was a little odd.

▪ Why you should read it after seeing the movie
There is a great deal of background on the characters that simply wasn’t possible to include in the movie. We learn a lot about Fezzik and Inigo that helps to round out any holes in the movie. Also Westly’s situation on the farm is better explained as are his motivations to leave Buttercup at all.

There are a few additional scenes in the book as well. Prince Humperdink has a Zoo of Death that must be infiltrated by some of the “good guys” at one point. Further, there is a rather long chapter to the “long-lost sequel.” While it begins nicely, I wonder if Goldman will finish it someday. His ending to the sequel leaves the reader hanging.

In all the story is much more complete in the book. There are a great number of moments that are nearly verbatim from the movie text as well. Some of it is just as enjoyable in print as it was having already seen it on screen.

▪ Final Thoughts
If you saw the movie you will enjoy the book as well. If you haven’t seen it or read it, you must do so or your life will be somehow incomplete. There is more quotable, genuinely funny material in this book and movie than you will find in the entire life of most sitcoms.