I Really Wanted to Like It

I wanted to like this movie, I really did. There is a limited pool of successful actors my age, one of them being Raven-Symone. Sure, her show That’s So Raven might have all the subtlety of an explosion in a clown factory, but it has its charms, and it fits her tone perfectly. And while the two members of 3LW who star in this movie have absolutely no acting credentials whatsoever, they seem amiable enough in their music videos. And who can forget the…uh…other girl?

The story (or what exists of one) involves four friends, Galleria (Raven-Symone), Chanel (Adrienne Bailon), Aquanette AKA Aqua (Kiely Williams), and Dorinda AKA Doe (Sabrina Bryan) who decide to start a pop music group, except they’re gonna “keep it real” and not get corrupted by the music industry. Their highly unrealistic dream meets a roadblock when they meet with record executive Jackal Johnson (get the first name? That means he’s evil ). His idea of making them stars is having them wear animal masks and sing a homogenized song of world togetherness. Raven is horrified, and quits the group rather than sell-out. Her argument is somewhat undercut by the fact that for the past 50 minutes she and the other girls have been wearing truly insipid cheetah-inspired outfits and singing songs that only half-heartedly ape better pop tunes. I guess if one is forced to wear an animal mask as opposed to an animal headband, then that is simply too much. The exciting climax involves the three remaining Cheetah Girls running to the aid of Galleria when her dog falls down a manhole (or something), effectively stretching out a mildly funny 5 second sight gag into the 10 minute linchpin of the movie. Oh, and there’s a boy rap group that’s competing with them in some talent show who likes Galleria. Whoops, I clean forgot.

One of the problems with this movie (and there are lots of ‘em) is that this story itself was told not half a decade ago in the similarly feline-themed but vastly superior Josie and the Pussycats. That movie was smart, the characters were, y’know, different from each other, and the whole thing was much more interesting than the prepubescent fantasy seen here.

However, the fault must ultimately fall with the Disney Channel, which really needs to fire its quality control people. The cable station has largely redeemed itself from the Mickey Mouse Club days with fun shows like Even Stevens, Kim Possible, and Dave the Barbarian (and to a lesser extent, the overrated Lizzie Maguire). But its movies (which appear to be draining the budget for the Disney Channel to the extent that it can’t produce more than 3 shows at a time) are almost uniformly horrible, with absolutely no expectation that its audience is the slightest bit mature. If Disney Channel Movies can make more Freaky Fridays and less Cheetah Girls, I’d be quite happy.

I almost forgot, the word “Cheetahlicious” is said throughout the movie. I need aspirin…