The Black Parade [Edited] [PA] by My Chemical Romance

Fanfare plays (sounds of a teenager softly sobbing accompanied by vaguely energetic guitars), and the camera zooms in on a small studio, where three self-important, shadowy figures slouch on three separate sofas.

Stefan Craizalot: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I'm Stefan, and welcome to 'Emozone'... brought to you by Kleenex mansize tissues. Tonight on Emozone we're going to be discussing the masterpiece that is My Chemical Romance's The Black Parade, released just two short years ago in 2006, but already having had a massive impact on our emo community. I have two guests alongside me tonight, who'll be aiding me in my dissection of said album throughout the next ten minutes. Eminent music critic Andy Morrison...

Andy Morrison: How's it going, Stefan?

SC: ...and Australian songwriter Nick Cave, who should know all too well the ideology of emo, his...

Nick Cave: And why would I know that, you little weasly punk? If you don't shut your *bleep*-in' trap I'ma gonna step all over your rotten little guts.

SC: Um, ooer, sorry Mr. Cave. Please accept my grovelling apologies. But, sir, excuse me, would you mind not swearing for the next little while? It's just, the producer's going...

NC: Why the *bleep* should I listen to any little thing any of you stupid, weasly little *bleep*s have to say to me? I'll *bleep*-ing swear all I want, and you'll like it, or I'll break my guitar over your soggy, worthless face.

AM: Best just leave it at that, Stefan. While we're on the subject of 'emo'... I've never fully understood the use of that term, as far as it goes. When someone says it to me I usually automatically switch off. I think MCR's music could more accurately be described as punk with a hint of wannabe-metal inserted just for pure variation.

NC: Yeah, man. I can dig that. Bunch of simpering little pansies. Where's all the blood and guts? All they ever wanna chat about is how their girlfriend left them, they can't get an erection, yanno... all of those things that only a stupid little twerp would need to worry about it. Me, I'd rather write songs about stabbing people through the heart and licking the blood off the knife. How d'ya like that, freak-boy?

SC: Um, eep, let's focus on the album at hand, shall we? I mean, I just love it, it's soooo fantastic. The combination of energy and emotion present *sigh* - it just blows me into another dimension. How can they fit all of this ingenious material into fifty minutes? Plus, they manage to work the concept of 'death' through the whole thing, while maintaining total originality! Ohhhh my gawwwwd, there's no-one like them around today, is there?

NC: *BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*

AM: Sit down, Nick, please. Seriously, calm down. I'll sort this out. Stefan, you're getting a little bit carried away here. Now, I know there are a bunch of people (yourself included) who think that MCR is the best thing since nipple-rings; at the same time, I realise that there's quite a large contingent who think their music is quite derivative and, frankly, laughable. Nick?

NC: (muttering) Whining little pansies... I'd like to f-

AM: Aaaaanyway... I've always kinda sat on the fence about the band, in all honesty. It's a hard thing to admit that you don't totally despise MCR, but if I'm being truthful I don't mind sitting through an album of their material. I did prefer their previous album, 2004's Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge, because its energy was purer; I think The Black Parade comes off sounding a little theatrical and... forced, if you will. I also have to pull you up, Stefan, on your claim of originality - I'm of the sound opinion that this 'concept album' (a very loose description, since quite a few of the songs stray from the subject of death significantly) was highly influenced by Green Day's American Idiot, which itself was derived from countless others before it. As for their music, the kindest way I could summarise it would be a fusion of modern-day pop-punk bands like the aforementioned Green Day, Blink 182 and Sum 41, with a touch of Smashing Pumpkins brought in to give their sound a bit of edge. Gerard Way's vocals are even nasal like Billy Corgan's. I think this makes their fans believe that they're listening to something 'cool'... not to sound degrading or anything. As I said, I can see why some people enjoy their music.

SC: So what did you like from the album then, guys? My personal favourite is first single "Welcome to the Black Parade". I looooove how it starts off with those innocent chiming piano chords, slowly, and then builds up into a crescendo of furious punkosity!

Nick Cave stands up, pointing a dirty finger at Stefan.

NC: Listen you... you tiny, insignificant... speck, I can't believe you made me, Nick Cave, sit down for close to an hour and listen to this pansy-ass lump of horse-*bleep*. I found nothing redeeming about this heap of dung, and I can tell you for a fact that I sat down and took a *bleep* on it afterwards.

AM: Hmmm, I'm not quite ready to be that vindictive, but let's just say that the song in question makes me vomit slightly. If I'm being honest. Can you honestly say, Stefan, that you haven't heard the whole 'slow build up with a rousing finale' thing done to death about a million times before? Ugh. I wouldn't even mind that they've copied ideas if the effort was there, but the song does nothing for me. The piano at the beginning aims to grab your heartstrings, but it just comes off sounding, to quote Nick, 'pansy-ass'.

NC: Ha, nice one brutha!

AM: The guitars in the finale sound light as a feather, not holding enough energy to even make it 'rousing' for me. And, seriously, can we get the lyrics out of the way right now? I know they're probably highly significant to you, Stefan, but they seriously make me want to gouge my own eyes out. I don't even ordinarily notice lyrics much, but these are one of the main things that hamper what little enjoyment I get out of this disc. Take, for example, "He said, son when you grow up / Would you be the saviour of the broken, the beaten and the damned?" Or what about "Baby I'm just soggy from the chemo / But counting down the days to go"? There's more: "I am not afraid to keep on living / I am not afraid to walk this world alone"?

SC: Bu-, bu-, what about "If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see / You can find out firsthand what it's like to be me"? Amazing!

AM: Ugh, the worst offender! I'd totally forgotten about that abomination.

NC: I wouldn't even wipe my ass with those lyrics. Whaddya make of this sample from my collection, wuss-face: "I'd crawl over fifty good pussies just to get to one fat boy's asshole"?

Stefan's face goes ghostly pale.

SC: That's the single most horrifying thing I've ever heard. I need my mummy.

AM: Stefan, Stefan, listen. It's about time I mentioned The Black Parade's good points. Or at least, its good ones and slightly less mediocre ones. Final track "Famous Last Words" has to be one of the most addictive songs I've heard in years; if they played gritty, ballsy rock music like this all the time I'd probably like them a lot more. The lyrics are a joke, we've clarified that, and yet I can't help singing along with the chorus, because it rides gloriously atop a big wave of pureed guitars. And the riff that bridges out of the chorus and into the verses just crunches down with such authority that I can't help but crunch my head along with it... whatever that means. "This is How I Disappear" is similar, and is probably the song that could most easily slide into the Smashing Pumpkins' catalogue on here. I love it because it's slightly brutal in places.

NC: You seem to enjoy brutality, son. I like that. Fancy going cow-tipping and murdering later?

AM: Um, I'll get back to you on that. Anyway, it's not just the brutal songs I enjoy. Despite "I Don't Love You"'s obvious flaws (its generic nature, the fact that it's the token 'ballad' and 'centrepiece' of the album; the simpering nature of the whole thing) it can't help but remind me of Queen's slower songs, for some reason. Maybe it's the long, drawn-out solo in the middle. The chorus has hooks a-plenty. It pains me to say it, because I can imagine all the emo kids just weeping along with this one, but I actually like the big gleaming ball of wrong. They do mid-tempo here with just about enough style to pull it off.

NC: I hated that song. Cancel the murdering invite, my good man.

AM: Awww no, I'm gutted about that. "Teenagers" isn't bad for the first few listens, but it's a bit too theatrical and pantomime-y for my liking. "Mama" is along the same lines, beginning with twanging guitars and a comedic beat, but when it crunches into its choruses I do get a little bit of a rush.

SC: Didn't you like "Cancer"? I mean, how heartbreaking is that song? I went through a whole box of Kleenex the first time I heard it! Just a reminder, get your Kleenex mansize half-price by quoting this reference code: IMATWT

NC: Why is the songwriter in this band wasting his time writing songs about cancer when he could be writing about orgies, rape and the joyous spilling of blood? This little weed's got serious psychological problems, and he needs to get them sorted out *bleep*-in' quick, before I *bleep* him up.

SC: (whispering into his headset) Please God help me, save me, God oh please God don't let him kill me.... (looks up at audience) O---kay, guys, we're almost out of time. We'll need to wrap this up. Andy, what did you think of "Cancer"?

AM: Probably the one song that makes me want to downgrade this album further than I normally would. I've joked about needing vomit-bags, chopping my own ears off and gouging out my eardrums before, but this song actually does make me want to do these things. The lyrics are over-wrought (see "chemo" line we mentioned previously), the music is even more over-wrought, and it's a totally catastrophic attempt at a heart-wrenching ballad. Man, I could go on all day about how bad this one is.

SC: Hmm, well, we've got literally about thirty seconds left. What are your final thoughts on The Black Parade, guys? Obviously I think it's a work of art.

NC: You ignorant little piece of *bleep*. I'd love to take a real work of art, a real heavy one, smash it over your puny little head, and then kick your eyeballs into the back of your skull, be-

AM: -sorry, Nick. Put your guitar down, now, c'mon... Stefan, I do enjoy parts of The Black Parade, but it tails off dramatically towards the end (see: "Disenchanted", a poor attempt at recreating "I Don't Love You"'s minor glory, on the same album, no less), so I'm loathe to agree with your assessment of it as a 'work of art'. My Chemical Romance are a listenable band when they put their minds to it, but they'll never be able to retain my approval over the full length of an album. I don't mind sitting down and listening to some of this album when I'm in the mood, but I wouldn't hasten to recommend it to anyone, unless they're a fan of the bands we've mentioned and don't mind some infuriatingly laughable lyrics.

SC: You crush my soul, guys. Well, good night ladies and gentlemen, and I'll see you next time on Emozone!

Fanfare plays; cameras switch off.

SC: Fancy going for a hotdog, dudes?

NC: Eat my hotdog, you little f...