Jimmy Fallon has produced an awful album that is very, very bad.

I got this CD for free, & I still want my money back. It consists of 14 tracks, 6 of which are "funny" songs & the rest of which are stand-up "comedy." Now, here's the problem:

Jimmy Fallon is not funny.

My experience with Fallon is limited; I've only seen him a few times on Saturday Night Live, but not much; he struck me as not great, but competent. Adequate. My mistake. You may have seen him on SNL, reading the news, & if you think he's funny there, you may already have paid money for this CD. Sorry. The unfortunate fact is that he may be funny when people write his jokes for him (& I'm not conceding that, but it's a possibility, I guess), but on his own, he's a giggling buffoon who's as funny as those collect-call commercials (I figure Carrot-top & that useless Baldwin brother beat him to the audition).

Before you decide that I'm just a snob, let me tell you this: I have literally hundreds of comedy CDs and albums. The only one I've ever bought and then re-sold was Sinbad's album... Until I got The Bathroom Wall. Ladies & gentlemen, I love comedy. I know comedy. I have served with comedy. Jimmy Fallon: you are no comedian.

The songs come first, but we can skip those because they're horrible & not funny.

Next comes a :22-second track which consists of a brief introduction & applause. Way to pad out the track-listing, Jim! The kids love ya!

Next, the stand-up comedy: the worst, hackish, "observational" b.s. I've heard in years. You know the kind of stand-up where the "comedian" just sort of re-tells you about things you already know about? Like, "you know when you're at the store, and the checkout line is taking, like forEVER, right? Am I right? And then the guy ahead of you is taking ALL DAY to count his change? And you're like, 'Hey, let me get out of here while I'm still YOUNG!' Right? Am I right, ladies?" Well, just switch the subject matter to "college," & you've got the 10 minutes (that's right, 10 minutes; I'll get to that below) of the 5 consecutive stand-up tracks on the disc. So, if you enjoy someone on stage telling you about how the line to the dorm shower "sucks," or how those dorm-room fridges are really small, well, these are the tracks for you.

The kicker is that he's got 5 of these tracks in a row, so you might think he's got a lot of material. Wrong. ALL of these tracks are "bits" about college, and NOT ONE OF THEM CRACKS 2 MINUTES. So you've basically got a guy with 10 minutes worth of "killer college material" & then...

Then come the Troll-doll routines.

"What if Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro, and John Travolta were waiting on line at the movie theater? I think it might sound something -- like this..."

Are you tired of that gag yet? Imagine it applied to a series of celebrities such as... well, impersonator-comic staple John Travolta, "Cliff from the TV show 'Cheers,'" and -- hey now! -- Adam Sandler. What are they doing? Coming up with ad slogans for the Troll doll. Great, right? I mean, Troll dolls are so funny just by themselves -- imagine Robin Williams pitching one! Yes. Just imagine. It's exactly as funny as it sounds.

But if you thought THAT was funny, let me ask you a question: what if -- wait, hear me out, WHAT IF -- popular bands and singers of the day did commercials for the Troll doll? Bands like.... the Dave Matthews Band? U2? or Coldplay? or 4 Non-Blondes? (remember them? Yeah, me neither) What if we did that? Well, if we did, we'd get "Troll Doll Jingles," the penultimate capper to this piece of crap. Clocking in at 7:20, it's the longest track on this rip-off album, but then again, from 6:35 till the end, it's just applause. Talk about value for money, Jim! Out of an album that clocks in at just under 37:00, a cumulative 2 minutes of applause is a noticeable chunk of the disc's playing time.

The last horror on this horrifyingly terrible album is "Hammertime," a track on which Fallon "proves" that you can sing any '80s pop song to the tune of "Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer. Problems:

#1) No, you can't. It works for some, not for others, & the whole idea is just boring to begin with

#2) "Can't Touch This" is basically "Superfreak" by Rick James. Can you sing any '80s pop song to the tune of "Superfreak"? No, you cannot. Does Jimmy Fallon even try singing "Superfreak" over "Can't Touch This," for laughs? No, he does not.

#3) the only possible funny part is at the end when he does "Come On Eileen," then goes into the slow, a capella bit at the end... aaaannnddd... does he come back in with "Can't Touch This" for a comic juxtaposition/big finish? the answer is no. He does not. The track, like the joke, just fizzles out & lies there on your rug, like a stain that can't be scrubbed out.

So: Jimmy Fallon, what have you given the world? A "comedy" album without the comedy, & which is barely long enough to be called an album, by today's standards. OK, Don Rickles' album "Hello, Dummy!" was shorter -- but that came out over 25 years ago -- & Don Rickles is funnier than Jimmy Fallon (& that's saying something...!) You have given the world a comedy album that, if you look at the back, *appears* to be loaded with great stuff -- 14 tracks! Wow! Look at all that great comedy! For one last laugh, let's break that down:

14 tracks --

6 songs (not funny)
1 live intro by some college chick (w/applause) (also not funny)
2 tracks using the really great Troll doll premise (still not funny)
5 tracks clocking in at a total of less than 10:00 worth of jokes about being in college (told live, in person, to an audience of college students who presumably know what being in college is like) (worthless)

Is that something you want to spend your $16 - $20 on? If you blew that money on this piece of junk, wouldn't you want to throw it back at this guy's feet? I mean, *I* do, & I didn't even pay for this disc! Man -- 5 tracks of less than 2 minutes each; that takes some serious sack.

In closing, I would like to recommend the recent album by David Cross, which is somewhat flawed but still very funny (& Cross fills 2 discs with his material -- lots more content there for your hard-earned dough than with The Bathroom Wall), as well as any of the Steve Martin, Bill Hicks, or *early* George Carlin CDs that are currently available. If you still want to spend money on this disc, just pass the cash along to a homeless person or something, & believe me when I tell you that you'll get a nicer, warm-glow-happy-feeling inside by doing that than you will ever get from this terrible, awful, no-good, very-bad album.

You're welcome.


P.S. Jimmy Fallon's "British" accent is atrociously bad.