Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation

...let me count the ways.

And a big THANKS to Roger.

Well who the hell is Roger? Roger is my pal, colleague, and really my brother who I love very dearly.. but he is the WORST person in the universe to channel surf with. You see, he is the opposite of one of my other bros.. Max.. ( Who will not stay on one channel longer than a nanosecond.. and I AM a bionic screen-watcher.. and I am like.. YOU CAN'T EVEN TELL WHAT IS ON ANY OF THOSE LAST 50 Channels damnit!!!) ..Roger likes to surf.. and say.. Gee what is this piece of excrement? ( They won't let me type the s h i t word on Epinions.) And instead of watching it for 45 seconds to 2 mins.. just to see WHAT it is and how awful it is. like the REST of us... he watches THE WHOLE THING.. ostensibly to see WHAT HAPPENS. ( Rog is also the embarrassing reason I suddenly know nearly every word of the scripts of Skin-e-Max movies that invariably involve bisexual women who shoot at people for no reason. Or wait, maybe that is about my ex-girlfriends.)

Anyway.. several months ago My drunken self decided to sleep on Rog's couch and he frighteningly gets the remote in his hand and lo and behold.. we are suddenly RAPT and I am FORCED to watch the most absolutely incoherent garbage ever to waste celluloid on. SO on to my list alluded to in the title of this little ditty..

1. Why does Matthew M. have an electric bionic leg that is operated with something that runs a 1973 radio toy car?
2. Why Does Renee Z. have a decent job as a real estate lady.. yet live in ABSOLUTE squalor with enough lunatics to populate a small asylum?
3. What do ANY of these people have to do with leatherface from the ancestors to this movie? He is only in circa 4 scenes.. ( one to be mentioned later) and in 3 of them he is eating rancid pizza with the.. ahem " family" .. once in a dress.. as the lunatics sit down to chat about their day. ( Which involves Matthew M. smacking other members of their family and generally chewing more scenery that anyone in a WEEK of bad soap opera. )
4. WHY ARE these lunatics killing prom girls from their small Texas town? Any reason?? None is ever given.
5. Are any of these people married to each other? or even lovers? Or kin? Or did they ALL answer a personal ad to the following " Nasty Gross house needs 7 nutjobs to live in it together and scream, rant, eat pizza, have mechanical limbs and kill screaming girls. "

And Our finale.. well here is the ending and ALL we can ask this time is WHY? Or HUH? OR Help Me? Or Dear God am I on Acid? ....

The last intended victim gets away from the psycho crew.. it involves running down a crop duster plane dirt runway that appears out of nowhere. Leatherface chases her with a Chainsaw after not even appearing in the last 30 minutes before. She escapes. She gets in a Limo occupied by some very very elite English-Politico looking folks. They have some sort of Egypitan Amulet or artifact with certain Hieroglyphic marks on it.. ( I Swear I am not making this up.) and the escaped girl.. HAS tattoos that match the Hieroglyphics on her stomach. They are all glad to have found her cause her tummy matches something from a pyramid... by now yes.. you DO give up.

Two more questions become obvious. I of course.. after getting confirmation from Buddy Rog that.. Uh.. Am i THIS DRUNK? Did that movie really have x and x happen ? When he said Yes I of course launched one of my taken off shoes in his general direction.

But the ONE question that is obviously answered.. Why did Matthew and Renee SUE to keep this movie buried for ages? The answer to THAT query is a three letter word spelled.. D... U..... H.... .

If someone even GAVE me the video of this movie , I would use it for taping purposes. This truly may be the WORST movie I have ever seen in my life. If you do want to see it for look-at-the-car-wreck-can't turn-away purposes.. then don't come crying to me some day 60 years down the road when you wish you could have had this hour-and-some-odd-minutes of your life back.