DO NOT WANT

It's difficult to imagine what Kim Henkel was thinking when he wrote, produced and directed this; I feel embarrassed just to have watched it. Initially (barely) released in 1994 as "The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre" to outspoken disgust among nearly all who were unfortunate enough to see it, this was immediately shelved and later released on VHS in 1997 under its absurd current title in order to capitalize on Zellweger's and McConaughey's budding stardom. Reportedly, the theatrical version ran nine minutes longer, featured a few different transitional shots and musical effects, and some of its scenes were color-tinted in post-production. By whatever impenetrable rationale, Henkel conceived and advertised this as both a "real sequel" to and a "re-imagining" of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (never mind that the antagonists bear only a vague resemblance to those of the first film, and that this can't hold a candle to Tobe Hooper's inspired comic sequel) and later as a sequel to "Leatherface," the dismal second sequel of the series, but none of this matters because in any incarnation, by any name, for any reason, this is one of the most worthless films ever shot.

What little of the story that's even remotely clever was recycled from "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre." Like the plot and dialogue, the acting is abysmal. My best guess is that Henkel advised his cast to act like idiots in order to either downplay or enliven the moronic dialogue; if this much is true, they really came through for him. Surprisingly, Zellweger is the least irritating of this lot, despite playing the same mousy character that she portrays in most of her roles. McConaughey tries (too) hard to affect the demeanor of a violent lunatic; ultimately, he comes off as an obnoxious frat boy. To clarify my point: Matthew McConaughey was never even remotely fit for such a role. He's an irritating pretty-boy who belongs where he's found himself: in stupid, lightweight romantic comedies. If I wanted to see a handsome psychopath, I'd watch Christian Bale, and in a much more interesting movie than this one.

The implication that this film is a bore is not just a bitter complaint. For all its aggravating squall, the violence of TCM:TNG is harsh but totally unimaginative, and the most graphic killings are never exhibited onscreen. The story merely flounders. "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" has been wrongly criticized for its simple, linear story: a group of young people wander into a remote area of rural Texas, are butchered by cannibal rednecks, The End. However, the simplicity of that summary is accurate when describing this rancid sequel: lacking any substance, its 86 minutes plod on and on and on.

This movie's only asset is its grimy interior set design - accompanied by gritty cinematography, it does invoke a creepy milieu. Unfortunately, nothing even mildly disturbing or amusing ever happens in it. The same can be said for the cameos of TCM stars Paul Partain and Marilyn Burns in the final scene; it's nice to see them, but they aren't given anything interesting to do.

At one point or another, most people want to revisit their accomplishments. Hooper and Henkel crafted one of the most effective and influential horror films ever made, and if the latter chose to celebrate the twentieth anniversary of this achievement, he should have hosted a screening party or arranged to shoot a documentary about it that could have later been utilized as DVD featurette filler. Instead, he made an absolutely vomitous movie that's rightly and universally loathed among fans of the original, and which earned a whopping $186K at the box office. Way to go, Kim.

It's pretty annoying to see that this swollen colostomy bag was granted a rather good DVD release while so many great foreign and B-movies are only ever released on shoddy or limited editions, if at all. The audiovisual quality is fair. Ultra Stereo remastered in Dolby Surround usually yields good results, and the English- and Spanish-language soundtracks of this disc are exemplary of this. The terrible dubbed Spanish dialogue is probably the only amusing thing to be found on the disc, so I recommend for everyone - and especially Castilian speakers - to only watch this with the Spanish track enabled. Ironically, the English and Spanish subtitles are rendered in yellow characters, and the Chinese, Korean and Thai in white; all of these are very easy to read at any reasonable distance.

As usual, the film can be navigated via seven screens of twenty-eight titled thumbnail images. This disc is old enough to contain discographies of Henkel and the principle cast, which was standard-issue filler before studios realized that nobody except completist dorks like me bother to read them. The theatrical trailers on this disc include that of TCM:TNG (which makes it look almost as stupid as it is) and four vapid, popular teenie flicks that were cruelly marketed as horror films a decade ago, the successes of which are much more upsetting than anything in this movie.

This review was first posted to Amazon on May 25, 2009: http://www.amazon.com/review/R15XKBMZ0LO24K/ref=cm_cr_rdp_perm
An uncensored, noncommercial version is available on my blog: http://harkabrazencur.blogspot.com/2009/05/film-review-texas-chainsaw-massacre.html