Star Wars: The Clone Wars

The following is a letter from a former devoted fan of “Star Wars”. AKA Me. Apologies in advance for the (censored) profanity, but it was necessary in getting my points and feelings across. Trust me, it is entirely warranted and justified.

Dear Mr. Lucas, or may I call you George? No I may not? Well, too bad, ‘coz I’m gonna call you Georgie Boy quite a bit here.

I have long been a great admirer of your work, especially the “Star Wars” series. In fact, I have grown up loving the original trilogy, even the one with the Ewoks. I love Ewoks. There. I said it. I have also admired your shrewd sense of business, with the “Star Wars” merchandise sales being a credit to that, and you should never be looked down upon for being a smart businessman. That merchandise offers pleasure to millions, myself included. I also went along to see the first of your 1997 Special Editions of these films in the cinema, and caught up with the other two later. Yes, you were just trying to make a little more cash from the “Star Wars” series, by adding a few extra minutes of footage and ‘improving’ FX, but these were not terrible offences in my mind. The films themselves did not suffer in quality in my view. I also attended midnight screenings of your much-maligned prequel trilogy of “Star Wars” films and will defend them to the end of the Earth (Kudos for finding work for the great Christopher Lee, by the way), especially the wholly entertaining “Episode 1: The Phantom Menace”. Many people- supposed “Star Wars” fans- complained that you had turned the series into kid-friendly, video game spectacles. I defended you, demanding that those critics take a good look at themselves and they’d realise that their attitudes merely reflect their naive belief that as they have aged since the original trilogy, Lucas needed to follow suit. The prequels, flawed as they are, have around the same level of FX-driven, kid-friendly sensibility as the original trilogy (give or take), any assertion to the contrary is hogwash. 

 I have just watched your latest “Star Wars” offering, Mr. Lucas, “The Clone Wars”, and I’m afraid I have a few issues with it. In a nutshell, it’s a piece of sh*t, George, and you have raped me of my childhood memories! This 2008 Dave Filoni animated “Star Wars” film is nothing more than a cynical, shameless 90 minute trailer for the crappy “Clone Wars” animated TV series. You know it George, and so do I. And meesa calling you out on it, beeyatch! This is a cheap sell-out with a terrible story that did not need to be told. It’s set between “Attack of the Clones” and “Revenge of the Sith” (the latter being the weakest in the series up until now, BTW, but still better than hundreds of other films), and so we don’t need to know any of this George, because “Revenge of the Sith” (or if you think about the story chronologically, the original trilogy) tells us the important parts to the rest of the story. If any of this were really important, you’d have included it in your previous films! This is just 90 minutes of cheap filler! But you knew you could sell us any old crap, no matter how tangentially related to “Star Wars” it was, and those of us who made it through your prequel trilogy, would lap it up. I want to love anything “Star Wars”-related, but seriously George, what’s next, the story of Admiral Akbar’s childhood done as a TV sitcom? An all-Ewok musical?

Even if I were to set aside the idea that I was just watching an extended pilot for an animated TV series, the opening moments of this film put me into a strange, negative mood. Why am I seeing a Warner Brothers logo at the start of a “Star Wars” film, George? And although the cute, “Starship Troopers”-like narration at the start has a nice B-movie feel (after all, “Star Wars” has always been a dressed-up B-movie, and an animated “Star Wars” is always going to be even lesser than that), the cheap arrangement of the inimitable “Star Wars” opening music is completely messed up. It sounds like the kind of thing you’d hear in a “Star Wars” computer game...actually, no, the music in “Galactic Battlegrounds” is vastly superior to this tinny, imitation John Williams crap.

And then we get to the plot: Count Dooku (voice of Christopher Lee- woo-hoo!) hatches a plan to capture the son of Jabba the Hutt (!), and frame the Jedi’s for it, leaving a newly-formed truce between Jabba and the Jedi’s somewhat up in the air. On hand for the rescue mission are Obi-Wan Kenobi (James Arnold Taylor), Anakin Skywalker (Matt Lanter), and young padewan Ahsoka Tano (Ashley Eckstein, presumably in for Miley Cyrus). Look for a cameo by badass Jedi hero Mace Windu (a slumming Sam Jackson) at one point, a few moments with Yoda (Tom Kane, quite a good Frank Oz imitation), and an appalling Ian Abercrombie (Mr. Pitt from “Seinfeld”!) does the voice of Emperor Palpatine. That’s it, George? That’s the best you could do? Rescuing Jabba the Hutt’s kid? Holy crap, you must have a low opinion of your audience. Mind you, makers of “Star Wars” tributes/parodies/student films across the globe already know that about you, don’t they!

And whilst I have defended the dialogue, characters, and performances in the prequel trilogy (all y’all Natalie Portman haters out there need to be watchin’ Carrie Fisher’s stilted work, ‘yo!- Sorry, my body was taken over by a woman named Shaniqua for a second), the majority of the work here makes one yearn desperately for Hayden Christensen. Which brings me to your newest creation, Mr. Lucas, the sassy young padewan Ahsoka Tano. I threw you a frickin’ bone on Jar-Jar Binks, George (less-so on the irritating General Grievous), but this wannabe ‘cool’ tweener Jedi-in-training is the single most annoying character in the entire “Star Wars” universe. This is without question the most horrendous bit of pandering to what you think your audience wants, that I have ever seen. The dialogue has a horrid, modernised American feel to it (aside from the battle dialogue- all that annoying ‘Red Leader, standing by!’ crap that admittedly worked OK in the original trilogy) that is just shameless pandering. I mean, ‘Sky Guy’, George? Sky...Guy...? Someone oughtta take a fatwa out on whoever came up with that one! This film should not have been “Top Gun” meets “90210”, but that’s pretty much what you’ve given us here. This film drowns in expository dialogue scenes, but even when the action does come, for the most part, it’s underwhelming (though the sound FX aren’t bad). It’s like watching someone play “Galactic Battlegrounds” and not playing it yourself. No fun watching 90 minutes of ‘cut scenes’ from a game, is it? The one action highlight is a cool fight in the sand between Dooku and Anakin, and it is enjoyable.

As for the animation, it is gobsmackingly bad, artless, and unbelievable. It’s all in 3-D, but the characters all have the appearance of blocky Easter Island Statues and rock carvings. If ever a film needed the “Beowulf” treatment (motion capture), this was it, and I can’t believe you’d sign off on this hack work, George (Did you not see the brilliant rendering of Gollum in “The Two Towers”? Do you ever watch films other than your own? Do you even know how to turn a TV on?). You’re not short of money and you’ve employed the best of the best before, so why have you opted for a shonky job this time? Saving pennies for your retirement? The job on Mace Windu isn’t bad (he looks a bit like Sam Jackson), R2D2 looks quite good, there’s some nice light and shadow, and the already CGI droids don’t suffer much under this process, but that’s it for niceties.

This is a thoroughly empty, joyless (what an anti-climactic ending!) experience that even a clearly hard-working Lee (the film’s best asset, one of cinema’s greatest voices) cannot save, though he did keep me awake. I’ll continue to enjoy the previous “Star Wars” offerings ‘til the day I die, but a little of me died during these 90 minutes.

F*ck You, George. I’m Out.

Signed,

Ryan McDonald.