Spider-Man 3

I remember watching the Saturday morning Spider-Man cartoon with my brother and have always had a certain affection for the web-slinging everyman Peter Parker. So when the first Spider-Man movie came out, I was hyped. I enjoyed both of the first two films. They had their flaws but the stories flowed well and the acting was OK. So when Spider-Man 3 came out, I was anxious to see it. The fact that part of the movie was filmed practically right outside my then-Manhattan office was icing on the cake. Unfortunately, kids and theaters don't mix well and I only recently watched this 2007 release.

As in the other two films, Tobey Maguire returns as Spidey. Generally, I consider him a good actor but this movie was a total flop for him. I'm not sure if it was due to what was given to him or his own poor acting, but there were parts I cringed through… and not because they were scary, just painful to watch. Why do superheroes who turn bad turn into total dweebs? I won't go into too much detail but Spider-Man gets a bit of a mean streak here and ends up doing a mashed-up version of Saturday Night Fever meets Singing in the Rain meets The Mask. Ugh. You thought Maguire was just a scrawny white boy before? Well, add no rhythm to that and shake your finger at the writers/director/etc. for trying to make him seem tough in a bad guy way. I suppose the sequence was meant to be a little funny but it's almost unwatchable.

His chemistry with his love interest, Mary-Jane (played by Kirsten Dunst), is almost nonexistent in this film. Granted, they do have some lovers squabbles (some villain-induced) during the movie, but you'd still expect there to be real dramatic tension and possibly some heated kissing. That upside-down kiss from a previous film comes to mind. But none of that here. Instead, they picnic at the park and Maguire/Spidey tries to cry after finding out some crushing news. I say tries because, although there are wet spots on his cheeks, it looks SO fake.

Speaking of fake, the CGI didn't always work. There's one scene, in particular, where Spider-Man is swinging with Mary-Jane and they both look like stiff cartoon versions of themselves. I'm not saying the special effects aren't there, they are. But I almost got the feeling that the director was trying to bring some comic-book nostalgia to the movie because of the way the CGI clashes with the live sequences, as if he was trying to do a split screen or something. That probably would've worked better. But as it is, the effects just clashed, and not in any artsy way.

I'm usually the one in my house to stick up for Kirsten Dunst's acting ability, but I can't muster any compliments this time. No, she doesn't look as droopy eyed as she did in Number 2 and she does get angry a couple times, but I just wasn't impressed. There was a lack of emotion. That was pretty much the overall feel I got from all of the actors. A few had some good moments; others seemed to walk through their role. Topher Grace did a decent job with his part as the show-stealing/envious Eddie Brock. Rosemary Harris was good again as Aunt May.

The story itself was pretty jumbled. There are quite a few storylines and they don't really get their fair share. Honestly, I don't think they even deserved the time they got. Venom, on its own, would've been a good plot. The way it played out in the film, however, was just a bit of goo that stuck to the back of Spider-Man's moped. Ummm… yeah. The Sandman (played by Thomas Hayden Church) plot could've been good, but it seemed tagged on like a convenient explanation for something from an earlier film. The Goblin (played by James Franco) strand got its neat and tidy ending, too. It played out a little too neatly and I saw the whole thing coming from a mile away.

Be forewarned: there are some scary parts for kids at the end. Nothing that kept me up at night, but I don't think I'd let a kid under 9 watch it.

Yes, the strands from the previous films are tied but at the expense of a good movie. I watched it, I probably could again if there wasn't anything else on and I had free access to the remote during those bonechilling dance/tough guy parts. Two stars.

This review is my entry in elvisdo's 2008 Funny Pages Write-off.