Superturd

Note to everyone - yes, everyone: Make a demo and ship it to Interscope Records. In fact, do it now. It doesn't matter how much talent you have, or what you use to make your music. Hell, you can send them something like, I dunno, a recording of you ad-libbing "Eii!" repeatedly for four minutes to the rhythmic sound of you jerking off. It doesn't matter, really. Because it is evidently clear that these guys will sign anyone now to a record deal. Case in point: Soulja Boy.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse in the music industry - particularly in the rap game - here comes this 17-year old nitwit from Mississippi with some of the most abysmal rhymes anyone has had the (dis)pleasure of hearing, over nothing but a loop of five steel-drum hits and finger snaps. And what is he talking about? "Superman that hoooooo!" If you don't know what that means, let me give you a hint: It is what guys in porn movies do to their female partners when they climax. Yeah, that. How incredibly charming!

And one more thing about the song: He wrote and produced the track himself.

Bad enough that "Crank Dat (Soulja Boy)" became a #1 Billboard Hot 100 hit (i.e. yet another annoying ringtone blockbuster); Soulja Boy thought it necessary (and generous, may I add) to make thirteen replicas of that song, package it as his debut Souljaboytellem.com, and distribute the musical virus nationwide. The result: a possible national disaster of epic proportions. I wonder who will buy the album. Oh yeah: the same people who think 50 Cent's and Jeezy's albums are classics.

No, I am not going to post any lyrics from the album here, because 1.) I have mad love for you guys - they are that bad (You can always check out the OHHLA site for that one anyway), and 2.) Most of the songs are really more like extended choruses. Besides, what really is the point in discussing how he uses an entire song to talk about a cell phone ("Sidekick") and another on Bathing Ape apparel ("Bapes"), or his yelling reaction to those who annoy him ("Yahh!"), or his completely unimaginative slang for a woman's posterior ("Booty Meat"), or - considering the recent 50-year anniversary of the school-integrating Little Rock Nine - asking his teacher who gave him all Fs to "throw some Ds" on his report card ("Report Card")? Just what in the world is entertaining and amusing about all of this?

And the music surrounding him is just as bad, if not worse. Hardly anything apart from finger snaps, sparse bass and a drum machine, with synths here and there. That's...it! Of course, this lends credence to the theory that most of these mainstream rappers nowadays are tailoring their sound to make the best polyphonic ringtones, if nothing else. And surprise, surprise: Soulja Boy produces most of the record. But it gets even worse: the infamous Mr. Collipark, one of the founders of the snap music subgenre, is involved in three of the tracks. Just when I thought he couldn't get lower than the Ying Yang Twins...he actually ditched them for this?!?

Dude, there are rap records from the early '80s, even in their terribly dated state, that are way better than Souljaboytellem.com. This album is so bad, I am willing to start a petition for K-Fed to come back and cut another rap album. This album is so bad, Soulja Boy has moved snap music from the bottom of the rap totem pole to beneath it. This album is so bad, I constantly had to poke my ears to find out if there was any blood on my fingertips. This album is so bad, not only could I feel my brain cells dying; I could actually hear them screeching in their death throes.

It took me approximately half-an-hour to pen this review, which I theorize is the same amount of time it took Soulja Boy to make this atrocity of an album. Forget a coaster; Souljaboytellem.com is not even worthy of being one.

TRACK LISTING:

1. Intro
2. Crank Dat (Soulja Boy)
3. Sidekick
4. Snap and Roll
5. Bapes
6. Let Me Get Em
7. Donk
8. Yahh!
9. Pass It to Arab
10. Soulja Girl
11. Booty Meat
12. Report Card
13. She Thirsty
14. Don't Get Mad