Annihilate, Disintegrate, Eliminate, Just Don't Hesitate to Play Destroy All Humans!

Overall: 9
Gameplay: 9
Graphics: 8
Sound: 10
Concept: 8
Replay Value: 9

This just in -- a report from a small Midwest farming town claims a flying saucer is hovering above the tiny community, while citizens prepare for the worst. We've dispatched an ace reporter to the scene to cover this breaking story

"As you can see directly behind me, the saucer is just hanging there in the air, and I don't know if you can hear it but the eerie sounds of a theremin can be heard echoing off the hills here. You've got to hand it to the tough residents of this town, as they continue to go about their daily business with one eye on the strange craft and one finger on the trigger of a shotgun.

"The Army is apparently more worried than the citizenry. I had a chance to speak with the man in command, who has ordered plenty of infantry along with tanks and surface to air missiles. He said that the Army would do everything in its power to stop this threat, even if it means planting deadly artillery on every street corner in every city in the nation. The scene here really looks like those popular recent movies, like The Day the Earth Stood Still and- wait, it looks like... a black car, yes a mysterious black car has just pulled up. I'm going to check it out."

While the Army prepares defenses against this new threat, saucers are also being spotted above cities on the East and West coasts and even in our nation's capital, in six places altogether. And it looks like our ace reporter has caught up with the dark-suited men wearing sunglasses who have just arrived

"I'm here with two men from, uh, where did you say you were from again? Oh yes, they're certainly not from the government, um, and they say there's nothing to worry about here. They suspect the saucer to be a Communist device to infiltrate the nation and deprive Americans of their precious bodily fluids. Agents from their organization have been called in to respond to the increasing threat posed by the saucer, and they've given me a glimpse of the incredible, futuristic weaponry they plan to use if- oh, oh my god, the saucer is landing here now, and, well I'm going to try to get a better look"

As you can see, the saucer is landing next to a small field where the local cows completely ignore its presence. It looks like something is descending from the saucer and...

"Are you getting this? Do you see this? It's a little green man! A Martian! I'm going to try to get a better look and see if he wants to talk. Excuse me! Hello! I come in peace! Can I talk to you for a moment?"

"Are you blind or somethin'?"

"I- I'm sorry, what?"

"I'm not green you moron, I'm grey. And I'm not from Mars. You pathetic pink monkeys are a bunch of idiots."

"What do you think of our planet Earth, visitor from another galaxy?"

"It's quite there derelict heap you've got here, but I have to give you some credit. This little farming enclave you've got out in the woods here is nice, lots of trees and fences for me to hide behind. Your cities, man you've made some of 'em big, and there's a lot of detail down there on the ground. I have to say, I do love watching everything crumble to the ground as I destroy it, the destruction looks so good I almost have to cry. But I don't. I do have one suggestion though; you all look kind of generic. I mean, I can't tell the difference between Billy Jo and Bobbie Sue, unless I do a brain scan. Even your Earth vehicles all look the same. You could put some flashy decals or some nice metalflake paint on those babies, at least! Oh, and when you see me, try not to scream so much. I mean, I like to hear you screen as I disintegrate you, but your voices can get kind of annoying."

"Can you tell me why you're here?"

"Well, I need to harvest some DNA. See, you're sort of primitive versions of us. All those legends you made up about your creation? A bunch of crap. We seeded this planet because we knew that our cloning technology would eventually require clean, fresh DNA. Can't say I like what you've done with the place. But I'm here to take a few brain stems and then skedaddle."

"Uh, brain... stems?"

"Yep. See this handy device right here? That's my anal probe. If I shoot this just right, it'll automatically extract the brain stem from one of you feeble meat puppets. Pretty nice. In a pinch, I can use my psychokinetic powers to pull out the stems too, and I have to admit it's much more fun that way."

"Psycho... kinetic?"

"Yeah, what are you, deaf too? I'd extract your DNA but it probably wouldn't do any good. But look, the advanced evolution of our race has given us amazing mental powers. Watch this."

"Oh my god, I don't know if you're getting this back at the station but one of the army soldiers here is levitating, pulled right up into the air, apparently by this Martian's-"

"I am not a Martian!"

"Um, by this... gentleman's... bicycle ethic powers or whatever he said and- sweet Jesus, the soldier was just thrown against a tree and I think... I think he's... dead. Now the, uh, visitor is walking over to the body and... oh this is just too gruesome for words, the body was just twitching uncontrollably and the brain popped right out, and our visitor here has picked it up. He's coming back over now... Excuse me, can you tell me what your plans are?"

"Yeah, well I need to collect plenty of DNA, but I'm also planning on some general random destruction. See, I can harvest DNA while on foot, but it's this saucer here that does the real damage to your defenseless towns and cities. I think I'll level this place with my heat ray, then move on to bigger places and better weapons. I've got a sonic blast that's pretty nice and an even better pulse weapon that'll level an entire city block. Of course, the Army and these agents look like they'll be trouble, so I'll have to use some advanced weaponry on foot too, like maybe my disintegrator beam. I'll tell ya one thing, I love the screams of your people when I induce mass panic, and the sounds of your buildings crumbling to the ground are extremely satisfying. In between my primary goals, I'll probably do some relaxing brain stem plucking or toodle around with my jetpack and try to recover some of the probes we sent down here before the invasion. That is, when I'm not taking orders from my commander, impersonating your elected officials to brainwash the masses, or destroying specific tactical targets."

"I see, probes, invasion, destruction. Sounds like you've got it all figured out. You don't think there are any problems with your plan?"

"Well, I don't know if it's the Earth atmosphere or if I need to turn on the AC in my saucer, but when I'm up there I can't really see too far. Once things get close enough they pop into view, but it can be tricky to navigate. Other than that, things should be a piece of cake, child's play even. I've also got one of our leading engineers designing new weapons and saucer upgrades for me all the time, in exchange for this human DNA of course, so that's a bonus too. I've got a great stereo sytem in that little saucer too, playing some of the best theremin music beamed in straight from my planet."

"What do you plan to do after you finish your 'primary goals', as you put it?"

"Well, I figure I can always visit any of your cities for some general devastation. I especially enjoy getting your puny defense forces so scared they bring in those futile giant robots. But even after we've gathered all the DNA we need, I could use some R&R, kicking back and knocking over a strip mall or two. Now, I gotta get outta here, hold still a sec."

"Um sure, but- oh, I don't know what to say. The Martian has turned into an exact copy of myself apparently so he can blend in with the populace. It's a very good disguise, I can't really tell the difference."

"For the last time, I am not a Martian!"

We apologize that you had to see that, viewers, but apparently the Martian has zapped our reporter with some kind of electric ray and harvested his brain stem. We'll be going off the air while we run around in the street screaming and flailing our arms wildly, as this visitor is obviously here to Destroy All Humans!