Next Please

Does Hollywood even know the meaning of the word overkill? Seriously? Have they ever bothered to look it up in the dictionary? Better question: Can they ever read the dictionary?

The mysterious nonentity known as Hollywood has truly given me a chance to insult with The Next Karate Kid¸ a film that might have had some potential of being even mildly enjoyable if it hadn’t already been done three times. It’s like the horror movie that’s been sequeled to death but worse, because this one has no blood and gore to propel an otherwise lifeless plot.

The Next Karate Kid is the same story as the three previous Karate Kid movies. Mr. Miyagi (Pat Morita) takes an apprentice (Hilary Swank), the apprentice learns karate and kicks minor villain’s butt, and Miyagi kicks major villain’s butt. End of movie, end of story.

Like the horror movie, this is a weak enough idea. It contains all of the rip-off mentality of romantic comedy and combines that with a plot similar to Rocky… without the benefit of Mr. T. But unlike the horror movie, there is absolutely no semi-new (or at least 90% recycled) idea to propel the film along. There is no stylistically gifted director. There is no big-breasted heroine for us to stare at.

There’s just Hilary Swank in the weakest role of her life.

It’s all right, though. The Next Karate Kid isn’t all bad. It may be two hours worth of stupid plot and even more idiotic acting, but it brightened up my day by prompting such a cruel bashing.