Modern Bride Magazine

Before you raise an eyebrow or two, let's address it - yes, I am a man, and yes, I am writing a review of Modern Bride. I happen to be fortunate enough to live with my bride-to-be, who is the recipient of this glorified catalog, and she has recommended that I review it with her input. Actually, I don't need much input from her at all, because after several months of buying her this overpriced ad rag I have magically formed my very own opinion of it, which I will share with you now. Lucky you.

Modern Bride is essentially a catalog disguised as a magazine. It is a vehicle for the bridal industry to advertise their wares, from bridal gowns to honeymoon packages to veils to china patterns. For some unknown reason, the "editors" also find it necessary to insert "stories" in between the ads as "content," I suppose so it can be billed as an actual magazine and sold on the shelves. Each issue is a whopping 400+ pages, often exceeding 600 pages and causing hernias in several brides-to-be. Finding the table of contents among all of the ads is more difficult than finding good television on a Sunday morning - but who's looking at this monstrosity for the articles, anyhow? (A bride who claims she's reading MB for the articles is much the same as a groom who says he reads Details for the dating advice.)

We were given a subscription to MB, and after only two issues it became abundantly clear that the editors are clinging fruitlessly to a well-known "secret" - every issue of this magazine is identical. They merely take the same ads, the same articles, and the same annoying postcard-size inserts, shuffle them around on a large (very large) table every two months, then reassemble them into a "new" junk-filled, hernia-inducing paperweight and send it out for consumption by weak and pitiable brides. Probably the most fun you can have with the endless advertisements is to leaf through them and play "spot the horrible bridal gown." My fiancee's term for lace-heavy gowns is "fungal," as in "she looks like she's got a fungal infection on her torso." To be fair, some of the dresses and products are tasteful, and we've gotten a few good ideas out of them, but for the most part this is a "magazine" that you should buy once, then use as a reference until the wedding is over. And remember - lift with your legs, not your back. Wouldn't want a hernia on the Big Day.