GL 550: Most Assuredly Not an Escalade

First, and though I'd prefer otherwise, it is difficult to remember that it is a car, not a chapel. Buying something like this requires effort to recall that one has not conquered Everest, written a novel, or in fact done anything at all worth remembering. Owning this car does not adumbrate humility. Just the opposite.

So as I pick my way through the ego-distortions reflected in this purchase like fun-house images of my own vanity, let’s look at the actual car and its performance.

INITIAL IMPRESSIONS

The first thing you notice is that it is heavy. 1,000 pounds heavier than the Pilot or XC90. For Chevy Suburbans or Ford Excursions—proportions that this beast rivals—their unsprung weight heaves and yaws in perpetual reminders that gleam and glitz were applied like spackle to cover up limited engineering.

Mostly not so with the GL. And yet raw physics, however dampened and controlled, show up like subtle knock-knockings from the animal on top of which the GL’s cabin is perched. Into this splendid isolation, reminders intrude despite the best efforts of Hanz and Dieter. “Was that the 7-speed transmission and 5.5 liter V-8 engine sliding forward as I slowed in the parking lot?” Turns out: “Yes.”

The second thing you notice, aside from every surface supposing you are royalty that you are not, is that there is some sort of odd restraint employed in the transmission, like it is holding itself back by a notch or two. Perhaps this is the self-tuning transmission learning my habits. Or perhaps it is intentional up-slinging of RPM’s into a desirable power band, ever ready to leap forward at the merest tap of a tip of the throttle. Or perhaps it is the way large machines work, unsubtle in their requirements for big gears and big metal and large, clunking movements that whir in approximation of their more dainty cousins.

Whatever the case, when you get it up to speed (I am complying with best practices to drive gingerly for the first 5k miles), you notice that available engine power is indistinguishable at 85 mph from what exists at 20. I suspect that oceans of power would be equally present at 100 or 110 mph, right up to its governed limit of 131 mph. Disconcertingly, there is more squat at engine thrust in normal operation than there should be. But a quick press from “Automatic” to “Sport” on suspension settings takes care of that. (Of note, squat and dive when set to “Comfort” suggest the attitude of a Cessna during steep maneuvers—the hood rearing into view like a ramp shoved upward as your foot presses the accelerator.)

Despite these behaviors, each and every pound of the 5,436 curb-weight-plus-passengers will halt itself from 70 mph in 165 feet—merely three feet greater than the Lotus Elise tested by Car and Driver (and ~10 feet few than the XC90). That is attention-getting.

THE INEXCUSABLY DREADFUL "COMMAND" SYSTEM

Back to the cabin. The side-mirrors are really small in Mercedes’ effort to reduce wind-noise. They did achieve that, but they also assisted me in nearly colliding with a sub-compact as I changed lanes 50 feet from exiting the dealer. Embarrassing, true; but wouldn’t that have been rich?

Anyway, inside the cabin, the burble of the V-8 is well-damped, and you are confronted with an alarming array of buttons. The radio is housed within a screen device that contains: Radio, Satellite-Radio, CD bank one, CD bank two, Auxiliary Music and/or Video Devices (IPod), Audio Settings, Telephone, Contact Lists, Navigation, System Settings, and Control of Rear Entertainment settings replicating those of the front. Mercedes calls this “COMMAND” and the manual for it, alone, is one inch thick. They’d have been more honest to call it “CONFUSE.”

As if all that were not utterly impenetrable, virtually every COMMAND function is duplicated in a multi-device screen sitting amidst the instrumentation, with corresponding controls on the multi-function wheel—only some of which interact with settings available on the COMMAND screen. Press ׇ&# for psychiatric intervention.

The only saving grace to the vast, lapping sea of COMMAND minutiae is that 90% of it can be operated via voice-control. Elsewise, this entire gaggle of steel and technology would hurtle along at freeway speeds whilst you engaged yourself exclusively in operating the “convenience” devices. What were they thinking?

DRIVING IMPRESSION

The steering feel is a bit numb on center (think: “Oops…did I just change lanes?”). Car and Driver calls it road feel delivered by a “tiny little butler on a tiny little pillow.” That gets it right. Yes, I will get used to it, and I know that the GL 550 is more twitchy-- er, responsive--than the 450 because it is the “sporting” version.

ROAD-TRIP EXPERIENCE

Made a trip to Tahoe (mini trip, 8 hours round). Now up to 1,150 miles on odo. Beautiful weather, so no blizzards to test out the 4 wheel. I did meander on to snow-covered lots to see what would happen, with nothing exciting to report.

Four adults, each 6 feet and over, went along, with all their gear. 3rd-row fold-down accomodated everything for the weekend with ease. The second row team was all-around pleased with the long-sit comfort. Front passenger got saddled with divining the secret code to run the COMMAND system. And I settled in to evaluate the butt-tiredness of driving for extended periods.

Seat comfort is highly subjective, and the multi-adjustable front seats here make that even more so. I found a good mix, saved the settings, and settled in.

Overall, I believe the Volvo XC90 seats were better to the task. Yet this can only be an early advisory since there may be some magic combination among the infinite adjustments that gets it right. So I need to defer final judgment since it seems beyond reason that I will be unable to find a good, long-haul configuration.

Mostly highway driving affirmed the boundless power of the 5.5 litre V8. For the first time, I opened her up a bit more (not floored) to enter freeway speed. I hit 94 miles per hour before I noticed it, and slowed down immediately.

Some complain that the wide tires track grooves and ruts. I did not find this to be so on Interstate 80 near Tahoe, where there are serious trucker-installed wheel ruts in the concrete.

The steering requires a bit more attention than I would like--which is not to say I take naps while driving. It's just that even the smallest inattention can de-lane the car, particularly at speed. This is attributable to the "sport" tuning, I suppose. Since the power steering is variable assist (adjusts to speed), I would prefer a bit more heft on the freeway so that tracking is less tiring. Again, compared to the Volvo XC90, there is a lot less resistance. The XC90 tracked like a champ; point and shoot.

Purchased and installed the cross bars and Large carrier box, both by Mercedes ($1,100, total). Highly recommended for the gooped up gear post-recreation. Skis and poles and boots and muck fit just fine. I, of course, grazed the box on the covered-parking roof beams. Had to happen.

Mileage was reduced due to the box by maybe 1 mpg. Once home, I removed it (2-person job), but left the cross bars in place. I noticed a slight whistle from the bars (no box attached), and may remove them if it is too annoying.

Btw, the rather-embarrassing running boards revealed their intended use when accessing the roof rack. Absolutely perfect. I allowed a grudging appreciation for them.

Niggling little thing: The rain mats (rubber) by mercedes clip on in the front, but not in the 2nd row. Would that really have been too much too ask, Herr Dieter?

FEATURES I SUDDENLY CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT

Keyless Go: If only my entire world operated this way.

Easy-Bake Oven Seat Warmers: You want warm? Coming right up.

IPod in your glovebox: Who knew I'd like this?

All-Open/All-Closed Unlock/Lock Mechanism: Hot day? Open all windows. And vice versa. With your key fob.

Distronic Cruise Control: Oh, wait I don't have that feature: MB deconted this car so that it is not included, supposedly because the star on the grill is too big. Give me a break.

SEATS AND SEATING; MISCELLANEAOUS DOO-DADS

The seats…ah, yes: The Seats. If you had to enumerate the 16 ways these heated seats can be positionally adjusted, just exactly what would you call them? And I am not kidding: 16. Why have just one lumbar support mechanism when two is what you really need? I am thankful that all these adjustments are remembered (in addition to the wheel and side mirror settings) that return to your personally-executed, just-so positions at the push of a button. Amusingly, just to remind you that you purchased leather, the driver’s seat has attached to it (at delivery) a little removable tag, like what you might find on a nice suit from Nordstrom’s to explain to you how very discerning you are.

The rear passengers are not left out in the cold—literally. Their seats are heated, too; and are a not-too-distant version of the buckets up front. Back there, you can fiddle with your own air conditioning controls and music controls and video controls and auxiliary music, video, and gaming controls whilst hooked up to your individually-supplied headphones and….zzzzzzzzzzzz. Oh. What was I saying? Oh, yes: There is a helluva lot back there for parents of ADD-induced children. Btw, I did not request the “Rear Entertainment System.” It came with the car that was available. In my negotiation, I emphatically refused to pay for it, and the dealer delivered it anyway. It will be a point of personal pride to never turn it on.

If you care to step into the way-back, don’t bother trying to do it from the driver’s side of the car. Access is only available from the right side rear door. Flipping the seat forward to open up a path is greatly assisted by the front passenger seat automatically moving forward to accommodate this maneuver. That is actually a pretty thoughtful and useful idea. Once back there, you will find it delivers on the elsewhere-undelivered promise of every other 3rd row on the market. I am 6'4" and could easily imagine sitting in comfort back there for more than 30 minutes.

There is a fixed sunroof with sunshade in the way-back that lessens the gloom. The GL 550’s operable C-pillar glass (tilt out), curiously, cannot be operated from the 3rd row; that responsibility is left to the driver. In my XC90, the way-back accommodations (“not for adults”) look good, but are actually diminished somewhat in materials finish. Not so with the GL 550. Fit and finish standards remain high for all.

NOT AN ESCALADE, BUT HAS ESCALADE ASPECTS

On the outside, the overall look (in black) is “Addams Family” hearse. There is something about the D-pillar that screams “this baby will accommodate a casket!” Gentry will roll their eyes and Gangstas will admire you with dropped jaws. I am not altogether pleased with that aspect; but the GL 550 meets other needs, and the GL 450 design has a dowdy yesteryear quality that was not “conservative,” but dull.

FOUL WEATHER OPERATION

During cats and dogs rain, the freeway lanes have been semi-flooded. And the big fat tires on this car do a passable job of playing “water wing”—by which I mean they hydroplane at the drop of a hat.

Now, as this car jigs and jags and feels generally hydroplane-y, are the safety systems engaging? Correcting my point of travel? Seamlessly keeping me in my lane, safe from the guardrail or next car over? Maybe. Or maybe it’s just that the puddle has passed.

What I need is some sort of flooded parking lot to learn if, indeed, these systems are working. Cuz it’s a little tough to go on faith at 65 mph. Mercedes wondered if the yellow alert came on in the instrument panel. Well, as I bug-eyed my way through 3 seconds of terror, I somehow failed to notice.

Off to Tahoe to ski this weekend (see post-trip report, above). Though told no chains exist for the Continental 295/40 R21's, I finally located some cable-style under brand "Glacier Chains" (Stock No. 2028). The tag does not list this car's tire size, but I put them on: they fit.

Interesting side note about grip in rain versus snow: Water does not compress, but snow (not slush) does. Thus, it is likely that extremely poor performance in puddles does not mean terrible performance in snow. We shall see.

MORE "COMMAND" NOTES

On further setup: The impenetrable “convenience” systems are somewhat simplified once they are set up with frequently used information and saved with specific voice tags. Just be sure you remember what you called them. Frankly, my $35 Microsoft Voice Command software for my phone—that uses speech recognition (not voice tags) for whatever the typed words are—works better.

Annoying navigation system fact: Mercedes has decided that, once you enter a single destination and route guidance is on, it is a whole separate submenu to add an intervening ("Stopover") destination. Instead of merely adding it as with all the others, you have to go to a “Stopover” submenu. And instead of being able to manually sort the route, it permits either “BestWay” or “RoundTrip,” which means the system decides based on mileage. In real life, you decide based on **when** you have to be somewhere.

Overall, the voice system is rife with ambiguous choices. Does “confirm” mean “Yes, I confirm that” or does it mean, “Please repeat that last bit to confirm it for me”? Mercedes chose the latter. To confirm that you want to use the just-entered street number, for instance, say “Store.” “Save” or “Confirm” do other things. Clear as mud.

Finally, if you give up on the voice commands altogether, you get to use the joystick, which does drift around the non-touch-screen choices. But every time—every time—you push on the button to select (“OK”), it instead moves to an adjacent selection. Gad.

So all is not perfect in automotive Valhalla. But should you wish to breeze through the neighborhood at triple digits without realizing it, this is your car.