Logitech Cordless Elite Duo (967231-0403) Keyboard and Mouse

I remember the keyboards and mice when my friends and I were having sandbox wars and plundering each others castles; when the plain, off-white 104-key keyboard and one-button mouse was used to accidentally crunch that '39' – which, by the way, is not a prime number – on that monochrome Apple computer. The ever accelerating trend that is technology has turned those basic input devices for your PC into this: the Logitech Cordless Elite Duo Keyboard. The mouse, part of this duo, uses optical technology and doesn't have an annoying mouseball – that technology is about as old as cable internet now. So what are the real novelties of this keyboard and mouse combination? One: They're black. Two: Where the hell are the wires on these mofos anyhow?

Cordless technology for keyboards and mice makes as much sense as escalators. There are those of us who always walk up the stairs at those subway stations, eschewing the growing pampered nature of the human race, and then there are those who are logical. So along comes Logitech, a leader in the keyboard/mice industry and the only company providing a cordless duo in one package, with a second attempt to ameliorate the fuss associated with copious wiring and personal computers.

The main difference between the Cordless Elite Duo and its predecessor, the Cordless Navigator Duo is that it's black, and I wish that it weren't. Aesthetically (because superficiality is becoming underrated), a white or beige keyboard and mouse is more appealing, since it matches the rest of the computer. However, while a white monitor, case, keyboard and mouse is more attractive than a white monitor and case with a black keyboard and mouse, a completely black set of computer components would be far bolder and more interesting than a white set. Unfortunately, my desktop now is awkwardly interracial. Actually, while I'm wasting lines reveling in my daintiness, my favorite outfit right now is brown, orange, and yellow; if only Akademics made computers and made a set that was brown, orange, and yellow. Until then, my computer, no matter how high-tech, will never be something I can flaunt to the ladies.

Ahem, on to more pertinent information:

There sure are a lot of buttons on the keyboard I am typing with now. In addition to the traditional Caps-Lock, Num-Lock, and Scroll-Lock, this notably elite keyboard has something called a "F-Lock", which turns those generally ignored F4, F5, etc. buttons into utterly beautiful convenience. I can open my favorite folders with a touch of a button, rather than clicking through my directories. With the same amount of ease, I can open and close my favorite programs or go to my favorite websites. It's so convenient that it's frightening; and it will take awhile to get used to. I still find myself forgetting about these wonderful features at times and computing the old-fashioned way, when things weren't quite literally done with the touch of a button. The one feature on the keyboard I instantly fell in love with, however, is the ability to play, pause, stop, search through tracks/chapters, and adjust the volume for your music and movies from a silver media section located at the middle-top of the keyboard.

What's also interesting (and somewhat off-topic) about this keyboard is that there's a sticker on it that clearly reads: "WARNING: Some experts believe that the use of any keyboard may cause serious injury. Consult statement on the back of this keyboard." Yea, those experts also believe my cellular can turn me into a retard. Stupid lawsuit-happy America: Are they going to start putting warning labels on forks soon? I could technically throw the mouse with enough force to kill an infant (or for sheer irony, a cat)… but, for the love of complete legal coverage, why isn't there a warning sticker on the mouse?

The mechanical mouse has been evolving much like the biological one and Logitech's, I truly believe, has been perfectly crafted and shaped for comfort as there's even a little groove for your thumb. As I've mentioned, the device uses optical technology and probably will never require cleaning. The elite mouse has the usual left-mouse button, right-mouse button, and mouse-wheel, but it also has a bonus, forth thumb-button underneath the thumb groove. So while the keyboard has so many new features it can almost make the mouse obsolete, the mouse also comes with four programmable buttons for those who prefer having their hands on the shapely mouse to the keyboard, as I do.

Installation of the Logitech Cordless Elite Duo is a little more complicated than its wired competitors. To say that this package is completely wire-free is a lie; there is a receptor you must plug into both your keyboard and mouse slots at the back of your computer case. To show that no blessing ever comes without a bane, you must also keep this receptor about eight inches away from any electronic devices for full functionality. I've had the receptor fall near my subwoofer before and this will cause some commands from your keyboard or mouse to be ignored. In general, there are very sporadic occasions when not every signal reaches my mainboard. This can be quite troublesome for those who use their computers for competitive online gaming. Fortunately, I stopped playing games and just use my computer as an all-purpose replacement for a stereo, turntable, TV, and VCR – I still got my cell for idle communication. But the biggest problem that comes with cordless technology is the obvious need for batteries. Both the mouse and keyboard will require two AA batteries each, which will need replacing about once a month. This product graciously includes four Panasonic AA batteries, which are notably inferior to Duracell.

The drivers that come with the Elite Duo can also become a problem, particularly for those who largely use their computer to play games. While the software allows for amazing flexibility and programmability in your keyboard and mouse, most games will not recognize your mousewheel button or your thumb button. Everybody who's ever played a shooter knows the more functional buttons you can fit on a mouse, the easier it will be to play. I tested Logitech's elite mouse, using Logitech's drivers, with Counterstrike and No One Lives Forever 2 and both games would not allow me to assign functions to the middle or thumb buttons. I found that un-installing Logitech's drivers and using the default ones on the wonderfully functional Windows XP OS allowed you to use those two buttons for your games at the cost of the aforementioned flexibility and programmability. Trade-offs are a bitch and I do recommend looking elsewhere, perhaps Microsoft, if you want the perfect gaming keyboards and/or mice.

Finally, and most importantly, I must tell you the life-altering beauty of no wires: It turns your computer into a TV, only with a rather large and complicated remote control. Instead of being hunched uncomfortably on my $10 piece-of-crap, garage-sale chair, I can search through and enjoy my huge music and movie collection from the comfort of my bed (the signal receiver is surprisingly sensitive even at distances of five meters). And if a friend should come into my uncle's house uninvited and charge up the stairs while I'm watching how Jenny Haze takes it up the ___, I could mute and/or terminate Windows Media Player with the touch of a button, without having to get up off my bed. The only problem with all this is that my monitor is only 17', so I think it's about time I get a bigger one – with a matching black/silver color scheme.

Just as I've always wanted, my whole life can now be spent either outside my house or inside my house, lying on my bed, waiting for my cell to start vibrating, while listening to CDs, making CDs, or watching movies (all kinds of movies) on my computer. And if a day should pass without anyone calling me to go out and the boredom becomes overwhelming, I can always do what I just did: plant my too-sexy ass on my bed, smoke a blunt, and write a review, half smirking at the fact people still sit at computer desks, and half thinking that perhaps Iraq should win this war because perhaps we do deserve to get bombed and terrorized – well, me at least.