This game rocks! (Idiotic write-off)

This review is part of Biggs219's "Idiotic" write-off. The point is to write in a "weird, stupid sort of fashion", and to "just make an idiot out of yourself", but to still "write a decent review" on "some form of media entertainment, electronics, music, movies, books", etc. If you want to see more specifics, check out his profile page. To see a list of all other participants, see the end of this review.


[IDIOCY]


Ok, d00d, this game totally rocks! There are all these little buggy critters, like in Starship Troopers, running around everywhere, and you have to kill them! They're called zergs or something. You are these other guys, I mean like human guys, you know, but they have some funny name, like trains, I didn't get it. Why aren't they just called guys? So then you make a bunch of stuff, kind of like Starship Troopers (d00d, that movie totally rules!), and have to go fight the bugs! [bang bang!] [boom!] [splat!] Bug juice everywhere! Watch your feet, it's sticky!

Oh yeah, then there's also these weird aliens called protons. Isn't that the name of some kind of space torpedo from Star Trek? I don't think that Buzzard Software should have ripped off a great TV show like that. But anyway, like I was saying, the protons are weird. They come flying in from who knows where, blowin' up planets like the Deathstar from Star Wars. Hey!! That's another rip-off! Oh well, this game still rules. So, yeah, the protons. I think they look like a wimpy version of Predator, but my friend says they look like E.T. on steroids. Either way, they're pretty strong.

Like I said, you play the trains, and kill the zergs mostly, but sometimes you have to kill the protons too. The point is to get more stuff than they have, and shoot everything before they can kill you. You have to get a lot of guys to do this though. The guys shoot their guns, but never run out of ammo! Then you get tanks too, and they can go into surge mode, and really blow up bugs! But if you want to get anything, you need to have your SUVs weld apart the blue crystals and grab canisters of vaginal gas. Vaginal? I thought it was something else, but my friend says that's what it is (he's sitting here too). So all of your SUVs bring these things back to your base, and you use them to buy more guys or make more buildings. Also, SUVs make your buildings, so you need a lot of them. Oh plus, all the trains sound like rednecks, it's so funny!

I don't ever do this, because it's just dumb, but you can play the zergs if you want. My friend does, and he says that they make lots of gross farting noises when they talk and move around. He thinks it's cool, but why do that? I've seen Starship Troopers, and the guys won, not the bugs. Sure they have more people, because they cost less (my friend says), but they're also a lot weaker, and the tanks blow them up!

My friend also tried playing the protons, but he said they suck. Their stuff is all slow to make, and really expensive. He said they're really strong, but I bet I could make a bunch of furbats to send in before they even had one person! Burn em all! Fire, fire, heh heh m heh! Rule! He did say that they sound really cool though. All dark and mystery-like.

Ok, d00d, I can't believe I forgot about this! There's this place you can go to on the internet to play StarCraft against other people! Free! I think it's called battleplace. They have chat rooms, which rule! Sometimes I just spend hours in the chat rooms, talking about how much this game rocks! It can be more fun than playing! But then sometimes I do play too. It's usually against people I don't know, unless one of my friends is on, or if I run into someone from before. You join the games that somebody else somehow made, and then kill other people! Especially if they're zergs or protons. You can be friends with others in the game too though, and then your people don't hurt each other. I really love battleplace, but sometimes it's hard to get my internet working right, or I'll get kicked off in the middle of a game. Or sometimes my dumb*ss sister will pick up the phone to blab with her little friends about the Backstreet Boys or some other bunch of dorks, and I'll get disconnected right when I was winning! When she does that, I always throw her stuff in the toilet. Then she's more careful.

Alright, um, my friend says I should talk about the music. The problem is, though, I always turn it off and listen to Corn or Limp Biscuit. So I'll have my friend tell you about the music.

*******

Ok everyone, listen up! This is Shawn Dogg the Mad Cracker, comin' at you with the scoop on the music! The trains be all bustin' out some weird shizzat, word is bond. It sounds like they put some crack baby at a synthesizer. Dig it if you dig it, but this mofo don't. The zergs, their beats are even more whack, but they're all creeped-out as it is, so that's aiight. They talk like bug-farts, and they flow like bug-farts. Then theys the protons. These crazy E.T.s on steroids (ha, foo don't even know how to use the bold face) have some of the straight-up stoopid-freshassest music in the game. Like their speaks, it be all dark and sh*t. They be freakin' this brotha out, but in a good way, ya know? That's all, foo's, show's over. Move the f*ck along.

*******

Sweet Shawn Dogg, that totally ruled! Rock on, my brother! [gets b*tch-slapped] Ok! Time to wrap this up! If you aren't convinced that this game rules, then you certainly don't, and you need to play it! Like right away!


[/IDIOCY]


Alright, thanks for putting up with this. I had fun writing it, and I hope you had fun reading it. Just for clarification / peace of mind, here are some translations:
battleplace: Battlenet (Battle.net)
blue crystals: minerals
Buzzard Software: Blizzard Software
Corn: Korn
furbats: firebats
Limp Biscuit: Limp Bizkit
my internet: my internet connection
protons: Protoss
space torpedo from Star Trek: photon torpedo
surge mode: Siege Mode
SUVs: SCVs
trains: Terrans
vaginal gas: vespene gas
zergs: Zerg
And here's an important note: Terrans suck.


As promised, here's a list of the other losers taking part in this:

afterglow34
Annexation
Biggs219
Chichimongo
Fez_Monkey
flamepillar
jkkelly
jsallen
klzabawa
LakrzFan
LatteChick
Officer
PianoGirl
repulsemonkey
tammyinmiami