... Frogs in a blender

My youngest son (14) passed through a recent craze of blender-preparing various foodstuffs. No, he didn't have his jaw wired shut ... I'm not really certain what fueled his interest. Perhaps he observed one of his budddies "SUPER-moms" whip-up a little after-school frappe' ... following her "high-step-taibo-jazzer-spin-cise" class.

Perhaps he fell victim to that silver-haired, octogenarian "manic" late-night-TV Bhwana of blenders ... shouting out the assets of cramming otherwise perfectly good vegetables into a blender to drink them through a straw

Perhaps he was influenced by my Mother-in-Laws latest blender-driven "barley-greens-will-save-your-life, BOVINE-inspired, health-food craze". Healthier living through pulverized grass clippings!!! It's a CULT for God sakes ... ITS A CULT !!... someone PLEASE find me a barley-green deprogrammer!!

Nah ... he just likes making his own customized milkshakes!! I suspect he is simply following a genetically-imprinted primal urge to pack-on calories as he struggles to burst through the awkward cocoon of adolescence.

A "Classic" bites the dust

Sadly, I lost my grandmother several years ago. I admired her fiercely independent spirit, quick wit, toughness ... and her kitchen tools ... Nah, none of her jewels, stock portfolio, or real-estate assets interested me ... what I really coveted was her original 1940's-era streamline-moderne, chrome & ribbed glass WARING blender ... (not to mention her old-fashioned Swedish cookie press).

So ... when my son sheepishly reported that he had killed my treasured blender ... I was "crestfallen" (I read that word in some book somewhere). Yup, sure-enough, he snapped its neck (actually the drive spindle) killing it deader than a doornail. I was really ticked-off ... how dare a blender break after 60 years of use !!

After a short frantic search for replacement parts, and an appliance repairman who spoke english ... I gave-up hope and retired my treasured blender to the "to-do" corner of my garage.

"The Purchase"

We have no rules in our household regarding purchases. We generally trust each other to have some sort of "working-knowledge" of our bank balance, general debts and obligations. Typically ... Debts-50:Assets-1. So my lovely female "partner" simply purchased a replacement blender without prior consultation. She gave me no prior opportunity to search ePinions for reviews, consider the "comparable" models ... or research the USDA occupational health & safety commissions latest report on blender accidents.

She simply drove to Costco ... and ... and ... BOUGHT the first blender she saw! Ah ... to live life so simply ... Plus, she was able to purchase her other special-Costco-necessities such as GIGANTIC-genetically-altered-previously-frozen SHRIMP, 64-count box of frozen cream-puffs, and a giant suitcase of frozen spinach & artichoke tartlets.

She suffers from price-tag-amnesia. Soooo ... I have to sort of interpolate the data, and estimate that she paid $ 49.95 for our replacement blender-processor-izer

Any color you want ... so long as it is WHITE

My preferred color for every appliance is "Model-T-Black", which best camouflages the inevitable coffee spills and other assorted mishaps. Evidently, this model comes in WHITE. Thats it. Ordinarily ... this fact alone would cause me to ship this thing back to the factory, except ...

Who's gonna clean-up this mess ???

Blenders and Food Processors are the undisputed champions of kitchen messes. Maximum RPM fluids and food chunks propelled at the speed of sound. One slip-up ... and your kitchen is awash in premature culinary assemblies.

Cuisinart did an outstanding job designing this multi-tasking tool by making its shape ... softly rounded with large surfaces that are surprisingly easy to clean. No impossibly-small crevices to swab-out. A couple of wipes with the sponge and your'e done. VERY NICE!! REALLY !

The control buttons are covered with an integrated plastic touchpad, with no possible way for your homemade JambaJuice to splatter its undercarriage. The overall design and form is sort of "kindergarten-tech". Oversized surfaces ... simple large-mouth openings, giant "lugs" to help secure the blender and processor. Seems designed for those of us who were held-back in kindergarten for lack of "fine-motor" skills. I appreciate this sensitivity in my blender!

Even the base of the blender jar and processor bowl have giant over-sized collars - with a slight outward-tilting angle to help re-direct spills away from base.

Blends AND! Processes ... but wait ... there's, more !!

This thing is MORE than just a blender. It is also a Food Processor. But before you get all excited, and believe that you are getting a really coooool 80's-era-"chic" Cuisinart Food Processor ... calm-down! All you get is a 3"tall x 5-1/4" diameter plastic processor bowl with two blade attachments that slips onto the blender base ... About two-onions worth of volume ... It works great, has all the built-in safety features necessary (to keep you from including a thumb in your "tapenade"), is dishwasher safe, assembles & disassembles easily, has a neat plastic feeder tube ... but don't expect to mix-up a giant batch of pastry dough is this little unit.

No, you will not be invited to help "Martha" prepare one of her delectible dishes, inspired by her favorite Mongolian Sherpa grilling expert, or French truffle trader.

Who's driving this thing ??

Thank you, Cuisinart, for helping in my quest for a kinder, gentler, SIMPLER lifestyle ! There are ONLY 7 buttons on this blender - two of them are labeled ON, OFF - Another is labeled PULSE - Leaving only 4 total function buttons: STIR - ICE CRUSH - CHOP - FOOD PROCESS. Guess what ? each of these buttons propells the blades at different speeds ... Neato, eh !

Sorry ... no Frappe' button

The blender is switched-on ... but not yet activated ... by pressing the ON button. This button is accompanied with a flashing light prompting you to press one of the remaining 5 function keys. If you press ON followed by PULSE ... then both of these buttons flash prompting you to press one of the big-4 ... this time ... they will only work if you hold them down. So you can start-stop your personally-flavored Margarita ... the wife is partial to Strawberry

Size Matters

In my little ships galley of a kitchen ... there are two rules: "If it doesn't fit - you must acquit" and "Use it or lose it". I am happy to report that this Cuisinart blending thingy is short enough (15" total height) to "fit" into my appliance garage, and is used often-enough to save it from the darkest corner of the pantry.

Put it in proportion

The blender jar is very different from my old classic WARING. Instead of tall and slender ... it is short, squat, and thick. Oh my God !! ... my blender is the anthropromorphic expression of my sagging-self. Actually, it is a much-improved shape for a blender jar. Wider mouth makes it easier to add scoops of ice cream, the heavy jar is durable, and squat shape seems to prevent fluid concoctions from "bogging-down".

Living in a box ... down by the airport

If you don't happen to live down by the airport ... then using this blender will help recreate the experience. Yes, the motor on this thing sounds like a badly tuned YUGO. For the love of God ... please! put your emotionally fragile lap dog outside while operating this thing. Use earplugs, or put-on one of your old Clash albums before switching this thing on!

SUMMARY

Mixes stuff up real good. Simple operation. Clean-up is a snap. Great value. Ace-bandage your head before using. It gets 5-stars in every category - except "durability" - simply because its ear-splitting motor sound implies that its bearings are ready to come flying-apart any second now. Don't let that stop you ... go buy this thing

Riddle

What is green ? and spins round & round at 30 mph ... ?