What the World Needs Now is Manners, Sweet Manners - The Love Will Surely Follow

Once again I have to say, “I heard it on NPR (National Public Radio).” A few years ago, I heard an interview with P.M. Forni, author of Choosing Civility, The Twenty-Five Rules of Considerate Conduct, an Italian-born professor at Johns Hopkins University. He was discussing his philosophy of civility, as part of his promotion for the project he had co-founded, the Johns Hopkins Civility Project at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, Maryland. The project is an ”aggregation of academic and community outreach activities, the JHCP aimed `at assessing the significance of civility, manners and politeness in contemporary society.”

In that interview, Dr. Forni was saying that being considerate requires imagination. For example, if you are making noise, you have to imagine what the other person is doing in the next room/apartment and you have to imagine how they feel about that noise. You also have to imagine how you would feel if you were on the other end of the noise. This may sound either very obvious or unoriginal to you. Yet something about the combination of this guy’s Italian accent, gentle, refined way of talking and the association between manners and imagination struck a chord in me. I wrote down his name for future reference, and that little slip of paper hung around for a few years before I finally looked him up and bought his book.

The book itself is very modest in size and appearance (about 5” x 7” x 0.7”). There is no picture of a big toothy-grinned face telling you that this book will turn your life around. There isn’t even a small picture of the author’s face on the back cover. Each rule is covered in only about 2 or 3 pages.

The following are the 25 rules with my summary for each:

1 ) Pay Attention (don’t live your life on “automatic pilot”)
2) Acknowledge Others (Do this by at least saying “Good morning” or “Hello”)
3) Think the Best (Thinking well of others can improve them AND yourself)
4) Listen (Real listening is a skill worth practicing because we all need to be heard)
5) Be Inclusive (Don’t be a snob because somebody is “different”)
6) Speak Kindly (People are fragile, handle with care)
7) Don’t Speak Ill (It is especially cowardly when done behind their back)
8) Accept and Give Praise (Don’t reciprocate too quickly, word them carefully. One important additional note: according to “U.S. Labor Department statistics…feeling unappreciated at work is a leading cause of leaving a job.”)
9) Respect Even a Subtle “No” (Barely 1 and a half pages, it’s so obvious)
10) Respect Others’ Opinions (Your opinion is ONLY YOUR opinion)
11) Mind Your Body (Don’t gross others out, feel good about yourself)
12) Be Agreeable (You don’t know it all and you’re not always right)
13) Keep it Down (Prevent noise pollution – sigh, if only my neighbors did)
14) Respect Other People’s Time (Be on time, don’t be in a hurry to leave)
15) Respect Other People’s Space (Applies to physical space, privacy, and property)
16) Apologize Earnestly (An insincere apology is just plain rude)
17) Assert Yourself (Respect Yourself - You don’t have to be a wimp to be nice)
18) Avoid Personal Questions (How to politely deflect obtuse questions)
19) Care For Your Guests (Simple hospitality is how true friendships are made)
20) Be a Considerate Guest (Would you like it if someone did that in YOUR house?)
21) Think Twice Before Asking For Favors (Requests should not be imposing or unnecessary)
22) Refrain From Idle Complaints (Are you unhappy with the circumstances or with yourself?)
23) Accept and Give Constructive Criticism (Help yourself and others to improve)
24) Respect the Environment and Be Gentle to Animals (the big picture)
25) Don’t Shift Responsibility and Blame (I tell my students this all the time, but it takes a little work to practice this myself)

I had the giddy pleasure of meeting Dr. Forni face to face. For me this was more exciting than meeting some self-absorbed celebrity. He gave a little talk at a local Border’s Books and even signed my copy. He was as refined and soft-spoken as I had imagined.

I highly recommend this book, not as a weapon to wave in your spouse’s or teenage child’s face, but to take and read yourself. Our world is surely in urgent need of improved civility - take rush hour traffic for example. But as the airplane assistant demonstrates, in case of an emergency, you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you can start helping others.

Paperback: 208 pages
Publisher: St. Martin’s Griffin (October, 2003)