Eurosport? Heh.

What I'm about to present to you may seem a paradox. This problematic, slow, ungainly station wagon is a great choice for a high school or college student's first car. They'll love it at first, because of the freedom it represents. Then they'll hate it, when it refuses to start in the winter or locks up its brakes in the rain. But then, slowly, they'll fall back in love with it again, a relationship worn smooth by many heated disputes and proud moments.

OK, I can't guarantee any of that. Here comes the disclaimer: the above describes one owner's particular experience with one white 1988 Chevy Celebrity Wagon. I bought it for $4500 used at a local Pontiac dealer back in August 99, when I was looking for a cheap commuter car to get me back and forth between home and campus. The car was extremely well taken care of, with hardly a dimple on the exterior, and like-new interior furnishings. I'm not a particularly fast driver, and I did want something into which I could pack a number of goodies in case of future apartment hopping, so a practical wagon fit my bill.

The dealer experience, as is typical with most GM used lots, involved plenty of traditional dealer attention, courteous but aggressive. Some folks don't like that, but at this price range your other options may not be as pleasant. I opted to waive the warranty, hungry for an automotive learning experience. Boy, did I get it. As with all my forthcoming auto reviews, I will break this analysis into categories. I apologize for the length, but hey--$5000 cars deserve long reviews too. I like getting into all the details.

EXTERIOR: 5.5/10

I do love practical things. I can stand back and admire the lines of, say, an 80s-era Volvo 240 and see purpose in the thick, rubber-sealed windows and toothy grille. It's an affably geeky car, with black rimmed glasses and an ivy league sweatshirt.

The Celeb has a good deal of that purpose, but this car went to State U instead. If the dominant theme of Ford's New Edge design philosophy is the triangle, this car's theme is the rectangle. As in, rectangular grille, rectangular headlights, rectangular tail-lamps, rectangular fascia, etc. The rectangular Chevy bow-tie caps the Celebrity nicely. The overall truncated rectangle shape strikes me as a cautious Detroit nod to Japanese econoboxes of the day. Beware the long front and rear overhangs (105" wheelbase vs. 190" overall length); use your headlights as a rangefinder when parking in enclosed spaces.

My wagon came with the Eurosport package, which has surprisingly little to do with sports or Europe. It includes chunky black and red piping around the bumpers and body panels, black grille furniture, and a set of alloy wheels which, amazingly, look just like real wheel covers!

Exterior fit and finish isn't so amazing, but the materials used are solid, heavy and thick. The white paint has held up very well against the unforgiving California sun, and after a good wash it looks exactly as it did in those cheesy 80s car ads. There's plenty of steel here, and if you subscribe to the "bigger is better" school of automotive safety, the Celeb should be a pleasant surprise, though it still doesn't come with airbags. The car looks much smaller than it actually is, as in "Is that your little white wagon?" No, dear, mine is the big one.

INTERIOR: 4/10

This is where the head-scratching begins. I'm pretty sure this car was designed for humans, though I'm not so positive that actual humans were used to test & evaluate the interior. The front seats are padded generously, but they're set a little high for such a low ceiling, meaning Big & Tall guys like me are not guaranteed easy access. My Celeb is equipped with GM's generic power-seating arrangement. I'd prefer a simple manual knob or two, but the sluggish power creep allows for better fine adjustment, so you can eventually get used to the awkward seating position. No big deal.

The dashboard, on the other hand, is a serious design failure. The speedo is rectangular (!), with the numbers splayed out in seemingly random directions. For those of us raised with round clock-faces and instrument panels, this layout carries with it a pretty steep learning curve. The speedo is also very poorly lit, even after a recent bulb change. Temp, Charge, Oil and Gas gauges are hiding behind the steering wheel, off to the right in four inconspicuous and equally dark boxes. There is no tach. HVAC controls are located directly behind the steering wheel on your right, meaning you must reach through or reach around to access the flimsy control stalks. AC, Heat, Defrost and Vent are just four faded hieroglyphics on a long switch-path. Just open the window, for cryin' out loud. The radio controls are set well out of the driver's reach, perhaps for the convenience of the passenger. ("If you don't stop the car this instant, I'm putting on Barney's Greatest Hits!")

Interior fit & finish is somewhat under par, but the materials used are robust. Interior hard plastics feel thick and substantial, with the exception of the flimsy air vents, of which a couple now lay shattered due to ham-handed adjustments. Closing the door makes the interior hauntingly quiet, but certain low frequencies from the car's factory sound system will cause an irritating buzz from the shaky rear window. Audiophiles should probably look elsewhere; this car seems much too loose for a good sound system. The seat coverings are a low-rider-esque plush blue velour which may not appeal to everyone, but it's durable and still has that velvety sheen to it.

As far as utility goes, it's a station wagon and the rear seats fold down, so interior volume is pretty generous. It'll swallow one student's dorm room belongings easily in one trip. For those who are into hauling people instead, the rear seats are somewhat tight but suitable for daytrips, and a pair of backward-facing seats pops out of the floor as well. WARNING! The NHTSA has determined after extensive testing that backward-facing seats are suitable only for small potted plants, or your Mother in Law.

DRIVETRAIN / POWERPLANT: 5/10

The Celeb's 2.8L 125hp V6 hasn't aged gracefully, but it still has enough oomph to motivate a 2300 lb wagon adequately for city driving. It ticks and whirrs like a Singer sewing machine, but most of that noise doesn't intrude into the cabin. Considering the engine's history, I'd prefer to hear it a little better. Mileage has been a pretty respectable 18mpg, and it thrives heartily on cheap gas.

Please remember, this isn't the venerable 3.8L "3800" V6 that GM still uses to great success in most of its current midsize platforms. The 2.8 has a pretty poor reliability history, and to compound that, it's wedged tight into the Celeb's awkward engine bay, so repairs can often be time-consuming and costly. For example: Replacing the battery involved removing a diagonal overhead brace, then the air cleaner assembly, then the windshield wiper fluid reservoir (which is screwed awkwardly into two points somewhere behind the driver's side fender), then the bolt for a battery retaining clip. After many cuts and a few electric shocks, the car has a new battery and the windshield wiper fluid reservoir is being held in place by gravity and supernatural force.

The engine has indeed been problematic. I bought it with 75k on the clock. Three weeks later, the alternator died during lunch-hour traffic, and two weeks after that the computer chip fizzled after another lunchtime engagement, services costing $170 and $580, respectively. My current DIY project is to diagnose and correct a chronic hard-starting and rough-idle issue which is annoying but not critical. DIY maintenance is difficult, because of the engine's awkward layout, but it's still cheaper than having it serviced, and it's very rewarding. Being a domestic, the Celeb's parts and oil are inexpensive and easy to come by. The Chilton book for this car runs about $9 online.

RIDE / HANDLING / FEEL: 5/10

I'll be as delicate as possible: it handles like a pig. It's a big, heavy, unbalanced wagon riding on a combination of small wheels/tires and an intentionally soft suspension. This is the kind of car that begs you to drive with one thumb on the wheel. It tracks like a tank on smooth roads and highways, but needs a little special care on bumpy city streets. It's worth noting here that the Celeb is much happier cruising on the highway than it is doing stop-n-go in the city. The power-boosted steering is flaccid and dull, but it gives a whisper of useful feedback from the front tires, if you pay attention.

Pedal feel is stiff and reassuring, and it also gives some faint feedback. The gas pedal needs it, because of my rough-idle issue, but I've learned to massage the gas a little after cold starting. The power brakes are another story. Wet weather driving is a serious undertaking, and without fresh tires it can be genuinely hard work. Celebs are notorious for locking up if a little water has collected on the brakes, even after a dewy morning or a routine carwash. No ABS here, so a little gentle pumping is required to dry them off.

As I stated earlier, the cabin gets spooky quiet when the doors are shut, but interior squeaks abound once you get underway. The car pops and groans like a sinking battleship whenever I back it out of a banked driveway. But hey, it's a 13 year old Chevy. And I don't really mind squeaks.

SO...

Who is this car for? Or rather, who is gonna say out loud in a crowded room that this car is for them? In all seriousness, I'd venture to say that the Celeb would be great for college students living away from home on a large campus. You have other options in this price range, but they aren't too hot. There are a few Toyota Camrys, Honda Accords and Nissan Maximas out there, but they hold their value very well, so you can bet that the ones under $5000 aren't looking too good and most have well over 150k on the clock. You might even find a used Subaru wagon or, if you're really lucky, a beat up Mercedes or Volvo. These cars are all great fun to work on, but the parts can be well outside a student's budget. Domestic cars may not be as reliable or built as well, but newer, nicer looking examples are available at the same price point, and the parts are easier to find as well. The 1st and 2nd generation Ford Taurus is another good looking buy, and it's likely you'll find one with airbags too.

The Celeb is a decent-sized wagon, so you can pack your stuff into it. It's inconspicuous, and if you park it in a crowded lot it's not too likely to attract attention or get stolen. It's got soft, cushy seats, an overdampened suspension, and you can drive it for extended periods without much effort. This is the kind of car that makes those laundry runs to Mom and Dad's a stress-free experience.

As long as you have AAA.