AN INTERVIEW WITH THE LORD ON THE DA VINCI CODE

I’m never thrilled about writing the 50th or 60th review on anything. However, I just finished Dan Brown’s incredible “The Da Vinci Code” and I really want to add my two cents to all the other reviewers. Rather than the usual review, I’m going to have an imaginary conversation with a very special guest. I’m asking this guest to comment on his thoughts about the novel. Without further adieu, here is the interview:

Mike (M hereafter): I really hate to bother you…

The Lord: (L hereafter) You’re not bothering me. Just keep it short because I’m a little busy looking after the entire universe.

M: First of all, uh, I’m not sure what to call you.

L: Oh, for heaven’s sake, just call me Homer.

M: Homer?

L: Yeah, Homer, I’ve been called all kinds of names and it really doesn’t make a difference. Besides, I like “The Simpsons.” Now, what can I do for you?

M: Well, uh, Homer, there’s a fairly new book that causing a lot of controversy about your son.

L: “The Vinci Code”?

M: That’s right! How’d you know?

L: Well, first of all, I am omniscient, and, secondly, I do watch the news.

M: Really? Which network?

L: Anything but Fox. You want to know what I think about the book?

M: Yes, exactly. But Lord, uh, Homer, it would help if I could see your face.

L: Why?

M: Well, it’s just kind of strange talking to a bush.

L: Didn’t bother Moses. And besides, if you saw my face, I’d have to kill you.

M: Really?

L: Naw, I was just joshing you. With all the strange creatures like Rush Limbaugh that I’ve created, you know I have to have a sense of humor. Let’s just say you’re not ready to see my face.

M: O.K. But back to the book. Do you approve of what Dan Brown wrote?

L: Hmm. Hard question for me to answer. First of all, I don’t write Epinion reviews and I’m not like those people you call critics. I pretty much want folks to make up their own minds about things.

M: That’s wonderful, Homer, but I’m just searching for your personal feelings about the novel.

L: Well, first of all, even if you aren’t into religion which seems to be a growing number of people on your planet, the book is a darn good mystery. There are lots of codes and riddles and clues hidden throughout the book. Secondly, and more importantly, the book has at least started people talking about religion.

But back to my first point about the book being an excellent mystery, Brown starts the book off with a literal bang. There is a murder of an important museum curator in the first few pages. Before the curator gets killed, he manages to leave a number of mysterious clues which can only be solved by his granddaughter that he hasn't spoken to in ten years.

M: So you've read the book?

L: No, I read Brown's mind. Just kiddin' you, again. I'm a pretty good speed reader and this book was hard to put down. Took me ten minutes to read. A another strong point of the novel is Brown's characters. The main character, Robert Langdon, is a college professor of religious symbology at Harvard. His main "partner" in solving the mystery is Sophie Neveu, the aforementioned granddaughter. Sophie is a cryptographer with the French police department. Both characters are totally believable.

Robert and Sophie try to decipher the mysterious code left by Sophie's grandfather. The code ultimately leads them to a different view of Christianity which features the "sacred feminine." Without giving too much away, this sacred feminine concept emphasizes the importance of an important female friend of Jesus.

An organization known as "Opus Dei" is fighting to keep this concept from being publicized. Opus Dei is a group of ultra-conservative Catholics who don't want to see any major theological changes.

M: What did you think of the character, Silas?

L: He's one of the best characters in the book. Silas is the man hired by Opus Dei to capture the secrets that Robert and Sophie are seeking. He's an extremely frightening individual who represents the worst in fanatical religious belief. While not really an evil person, he commits evil acts in what he believes are righteous causes. Unfortunately, there's too much of that going on right now on Earth.

M: As to your second point that the book has started people talking about religion, do you approve of that?

L: Well, of course, I do. Beats folks killing each other although sometimes they kill each other in my name which really ticks me off. Anytime people start talking and thinking about religion without fighting about it is good.

M: Without giving too much away about the plot, is Brown onto something when he talks about the “sacred feminine”?

L: Well, that’s kind of a touchy point with me. Believe it or not, I don’t get mixed up in individual church theological debates. However, one subject that has bothered me for centuries is the treatment of women on Earth.

M: Why is that?

L: Again, I don’t like to step on too many toes, but I created man and woman as equals. Somehow, over the millenni, men and many churches have stated than men are superior to women. Women can’t preach in some churches. They earn less money for the same jobs. Until recently, they couldn’t even vote. So, is Dan Brown onto something with his theme of the “sacred feminine?” I’d have to say, “Yes, absolutely!”

M: Have you asked Jesus what he thinks about the book?

L: Yes, I have and he likes it. You know a huge amount of his life is left out of your Bible. Now, I’m not saying that everything Brown says is Gospel, but only about 3 years of Jesus’ life is told in your current Bible. It’s not that Jesus wants more publicity. He just wants more of his message to be known.

M: Do you think that Brown’s book is too hard on the Catholic Church?

L: No. I don’t believe that Brown is just aiming at the hypocrisy of one church. Anybody who is a serious student of history knows that the Catholic Church and other religions have had bad times and bad leaders. Each of those churches also has a vested interest in keeping certain information quiet. That bothers me more than Brown speculating on alternate religious history.

M: Do you have any final thoughts about “The Da Vinci Code?”

L: I’m glad we’re wrapping this up because there’s a lot going on down there. Yes, my final thoughts are much the same as my opening statement. Right or wrong, Dan Brown has caused more people to think about religion and I view that as a positive. Now, Mr. Holmes, my question to you is how did you up here to interview me?

M: I’ve been wondering about that myself. Let’s just say that I’m in an Epinions dream mode. Thank you, Homer, for your time.