Being a "thing" musn't be too fun. After all...think about the possibility of crotch rot.

The shudder that one feels from the atrocity that is the overly mistreated licensed video game. Why must video games based on movies suck so much, and why does everyone continue playing them? The obvious answer starts at that everyone loves a good movie. Everyone wants to be the action hero or heroine that they see on the big screen. Unfortunately, no one is born with super powers. Not everyone is bitten by a radioactive spider, has their eyeballs bathed in radioactive waste, or encounters a hazardous field of radioactive energy in space only to find that their DNA is mutating them into a group of super friends. If this stuff really were occurring to people in real life, then people would die from it. Reality isn't made out of comic book pages. But, with games at least, we can become these unique people for as long as the journey takes us. Since game companies continue to see this escape from reality being in popular demand, they know what they're doing when they make a deal to produce a game with the same movie title and characters intact. Never quite reaching that same level of brilliance captured on film, the games more times than not suffer for their quick and shoddy work. Game companies don't care though as long as the money's in their pocket. Activision and 7 Studios in particular display that same level of commitment movie games regularly have had treatment of for as long as the memory can take us, with their latest cinema-to-game title. To get a little creative and to prove that notion well, I'll just kick back, relax, and use my unmatchable super power of literary skill to let the Fantastic Four do the talking for me.

Mr. Fantastic: Greetings, true believers! Welcome to another fantastic edition of....

The Thing: Oh quiet, science geek. The people don't want to hear the boring yammer from yer trap. They want to see more Thing.

Invisible Woman: That's enough from both of you! Besides, your "thing" isn't all that big anyway, Ben.

Mr. Fantastic: *gasp* How exactly do you know this, Susan? I thought that we were....

Invisible Woman: As they say, "What momma don't know won't kill her." Or in this case, "What poppa can't see...."

The Thing: That's right, geek. So shut up and let me do the talking.

Human Torch: Not so fast, lard a**! Johnny boy's in da house to get some fine ladies' numbers. Johnny Storm is hot like car seat in summer without shade. Johnny Storm can refer to himself in third-person 'cause he's so smoking.

The Thing: Why you little bacon bit! Once I get my hands on you, I'm going to throw you in a microwave with a pot pie and eat it, pal!

Human Torch: Gotta catch me first, ugly.

Mr. Fantastic: While the kids are off playing, Susie and I will finally get a chance to do what we came here to do: cover the review. As I was saying, Fantastic Four is an action game based on, of course, this summer's only super hero movie of the same name, starring myself Reed Richards as Mr. Fantastic, Susan Storm as the Invisible Woman, Johnny Storm as the Human Torch, and Mr. Chunky Nugget himself, Ben Grimm, as The Thing.

Invisible Woman: Reed, there's two things that you've done wrong. First, you should've said Fantastic Four is the only worthwhile super hero movie that there is to see. Second, you shouldn't have called Ben a chunky nugget.

The Thing: What'd I hear someone call me?

Invisible Woman: A chunky nugget.

The Thing: I'm gonna kill whoever said that!

Human Torch: Chunky nugget? Now that's funny! It fits so perfectly. The big lug here tried squishing me in the microwave, but only ended up electrocuting himself.

The Thing: That little runt's so hot.

Human Torch: Why thank you, Ben. I'd say the same about you, but everyone knows that you're not.

The Thing: Never mind. I'm gonna kill the twerp here instead. This time it's going to be mushroom soup!

Mr. Fantastic: Getting back on track, Fantastic Four is a most linear super hero game. This one isn't like in Spider-Man 2 last year where you could roam the open airways of New York City, swinging from building to building. In this one folks, all us super heroes are doing is just stepping into several short-lived missions and beating the snot out of robots, jungle warriors, giant spiders, mummies, street thugs, and other various enemy types that weren't even in the movie to begin with.

Invisible Woman: That's because there was no fighting in Fantastic Four's presentation. Well, except in Victor's case. He had to be dealt with. Anyone into metal not supporting our nation's founding heavy metal bands must die!

Mr. Fantastic: That's right, Susie. Though, unlike Spider-Man 2, either one or two players can join in on the "fun" of the story-based gameplay, and also in a versus battle mode. Otherwise, it's just individual bodies and the AI (that'd be us) at play. But more importantly on the subject matter, what Fantastic Four's really about is its gain of destructive combos. Fantastic Four the game is filled with them. In the way that Fantastic Four is a brawler-styled actioner, each one us Four is fitted with our very own moves that stick to the nature of our beings. My elastic composure forms expected abilities, from roundhouse twisty spins to long ranged stretching punches.

Invisible Woman: No one can see my sex-a-licious bod when I turn into nothing and sneak up on enemies to give them a surprise punch attack. Then there's all of my projectile beam-throwing and force shield blasts.

The Thing: And I clobber 'em! I'm the only guy strong enough to pick up most of them heavy things, like lifting up rocks or cars and running with them with no trouble at all. I also got all the deadly power-smashing thrusts.

Mr. Fantastic: Hey Ben, where'd Johnny go? He should be the one to tune in next about his hot, hot, hot abilities.

The Thing: He uh... went to the 7-11 to go get me a Slurpee.

Mr. Fantastic: Wow, that was sure nice of him. It's not like Johnny to get you a Slurpee. *ring-a-ling-ding* Hey, what was that ring-a-ling-ding noise just now? Oh yes, I forgot that I spent Johnny's rent money on a new cell phone for myself. Hello?

Human Torch: *crackle* Reed, it's me, Johnny. Don't listen to what Ben told you about the Slurpee. I didn't go to get a Slurpee for him; I went to go see our movie in theaters. Man, I look good.

Mr. Fantastic: But Johnny, where'd the money come from? I thought that you didn't have any?

Human Torch: How'd you know that? Well, no matter. I just borrowed your rent money to pay for the ticket.

Mr. Fantastic: Double damn!

Human Torch: But now that I have you on the line, let me just say that my powers in the game are the hottest. I burn my enemies with balls of fire. I swoop down in a scorching blaze. And I, um... hurl bigger fire-stuff too - not just small potatoes. Lots of fire: so hot!

The Thing: That stuff ain't that hot, Torchinator. But, neither are any of our moves. Well yeah, they're just about the best thing the game's got going for it. But, these moves ain't so special all in all.

Invisible Woman: Ben's right. Whichever one of us you're in control of, the team's maneuvers are just a switchover from an already mapped-out pattern of combo-focused similarities. Each one of us four is given the same control method to dish out distinctive, if familiar sets of movements. 'R1' plus 'square', plus 'circle', plus 'X' will enable special powers, whereas combination sets of kicks and punches are maintained mostly through a compilation of 'X's and 'square's being called in. The combos themselves are all right, but the sparks aren't flying very fantastically when considering the repetition in enemies, in feats, and in the smallish battlegrounds themselves that deter the inspiration of combat.

Human Torch: *enters Baxter Building* The way that the battles flow gets boring, because you'll sit there with me or one of these other guys that aren't the greatness that is Johnny Storm, a.k.a. the Human Torch, a.k.a. the guy who can burn women's belt buckles off in an instant. See, the action is slowed down with enemies getting in cheap shots. If one of us gets hit by a laser or something, we freeze for a second or two. Though, that's not to say that we die so easily, because green health balls reside after trashing our opponents, or if it comes down to it, by smashing up the lame plants, tables, and other junk just lying around in our trail of rampage. There are also the blue balls that you get (you heard me) for quickly restocking the special power meter that depletes itself the more that I flame on. And I do like to flame on, ladies.

Mr. Fantastic: All acts of aggression aren't open at the very start of the game either. They become available on their own terms. But, in order for them to grow more adeptly, this requires the accumulation of points. Each mission assigns primary and secondary objectives, plus a list of goals on the side to keep in mind. Either finishing a stage under the time specifically allotted, smashing a given number of enemies or objects in a level, playing without dying, using no supers (which are intensified combos activated by touch of the 'R1' and 'triangle' combo), or even nabbing the secret Fantastic Four icons hidden in every level will provide extra points for adding experience to any one of the viable stringed attacks (or, for accessing cast and crew interviews from the movie's stars, art files, character biographies, and more). Our required tasks vary from collecting certain gem stones at one point to power up a machine, from protecting an assortment of things - from people to elevator lifts that we ride on and we die on (if the robots have their way with the fragile cables), to defeating the boss that waits for all of us or just some of us at the end of each short sprint that composes every chapter.

The Thing: And I get my chance to pummel the matchstick, too. Don't forget to talk about that, ya ion muncher.

Mr. Fantastic: Yes, thank you Ben. Well, we all get to have our own little fun in our signified ways. Sue has her stealth, Johnny has his flamboyancy, you have your strength, and I have my flexibility.

Human Torch: Flamboyancy... why do I get stuck with the gay word?

The Thing: Oh come on, knucklehead. You get gay, and I get a 24/7 Halloween costume.

Human Torch: Yeah, thanks rock head. Here's some candy to cheer you up.

The Thing: Mmm... gum. My favorite - OW! This is that finger-snapping trick gum. Come here, and I'll show ya my own snapping trick out of you.

Mr. Fantastic: Yet another disappearance from those two. As I was saying, each one of the Fantastic Four has trademark powers and traits that apply to them. Sadly, this mainly applies to the mini-game portions that are littered throughout the series of stages. Color-coded markers show up at times of need in executing one of these annoying mini-game excursions. I'm the brains of the team. Using my super intellect within a rotating line puzzle, I'm to highlight a row of three adjoining bars in order to hack into security systems. Sue uses her force field prowess to entrap an array of objects by spinning the left analog stick around, including against the paws of one mega, ultra, enormous creature. Ben and Johnny's mini-games are similar, in that either as The Thing you'll be smashing objects, or as the Human Torch you're manifesting circular fire patterns through solid walls or handling sprinkler systems all by the way of button mashing. These sideline brainteasers are all based on a timer. Depending on how fast the button is repeatedly tapped, or the stick is spun, or the block segment is solved, the next phase won't occur until the action at hand is completed. These mini-games aren't extremely tough with all the blistering adrenaline that goes into them; however, that also means that they aren't terribly pleasurable much.

Invisible Woman: Oh, hey Reed, still doing this review I see. Don't you get tired of being Mr. Sensible all of the time?

Mr. Fantastic: Were you gone all of this time, Susan? I thought that you might've vanished somewhere.

Invisible Woman: Yes, I was. I just had the most amazing sexual encounter with Superman, the strongest man that you'll ever meet.

Mr. Fantastic: What?! Traitor! Not only have you endangered our own love circle by twisting it into a love triangle, or maybe a love pentagon....

Invisible Woman: Octagon, actually.

Mr. Fantastic: *grumble* Right. But, you're also doing the nasty with a poster boy for DC Comics, our mortal enemy!

Invisible Woman: I wasn't finding my womanly needs being met here, Reed. I like my men strong, not just in brain muscles, but in ambition as well. Reed, you need to become a man and ask me that question that's on the tip of your tongue. Don't be afraid. Just give it to me straight.

Mr. Fantastic: *gulp* Okay. Susan?

Invisible Woman: Yes, Reed?

Mr. Fantastic: Will you get me a glass of water? It's kind of hot in here, don't you think?

Invisible Woman: Argh! You know Reed, some men are men. Others are just actors in a miserable performance. *storms out*

Mr. Fantastic: *sigh* Well, Mr. Fantastic, it's back to the drawing board... again. So folks, I suppose that you'd care to learn about the rest of the game. Here it is then. What's there to say about the appearance of the game? Hmm....

Human Torch: Say it's hot! Or in this case, not.

The Thing: Ya want ugly? You got it with the Fantastic Four video game.

Mr. Fantastic: Now Ben, Fantastic Four isn't really that hideous per se. It's more... unrefined.

The Thing: Well, it's something all right. Even I can't stand the inferiority of my dumbed down looks on-screen.

Human Torch: Yep. Everywhere that you look, it's as if the game creators wanted the game to replicate Ben's qualities - who everyone knows is scary.

The Thing: You shut it, or I'll make you.

Mr. Fantastic: Okay, enough bickering. Now, let's look at it this way. The nice elements about Fantastic Four is that the action does have its moments. When Johnny's torching enemies in blazing spins, or when Ben's flying into the air and crashing into the ground to dismantle robots into sparking pieces, the game has its touches of pleasantries.

Invisible Woman: Or, when Reed stretches himself with his long... arms - he looks just like a blue whirlie bird while twirling them around.

Mr. Fantastic: Sue! You're back.

Invisible Woman: Yes, Reed. I realized that I can't run away from your problems forever. We'll solve them one day when we're free from the review shackles of a dastardly clever "Puppet Master's" controls.

Mr. Fantastic: Oh Susan, all of the things that I want to say to you....

The Thing: Jeez, and I thought I had issues. But, to make this point clear already, Fantastic Four's not one of them extremely exciting games to have a looksee. We clobber the enemy in closed off streets, in laboratories, in the underground lairs, in a space base, and in a museum this one time. The levels are simplified to unelaborated, lightly textured models and pathways. Raptors and dummy mummies in the museum, in one example, combined with the ill-represented, subdued character builds of us and other much more common people models, are all overly plain just the same.

Human Torch: One great characteristic is in a close-up view, the camera tends to focus on my ultra fiery body. It says, "Johnny, you man are terrific." It also says, "Johnny, let's see that gaseous flow emanating off of you." Then I tell it, "Okay fellas, but don't get too close or you'll feel the burn."

The Thing: Blah! Yer opinion is useless, chump. Ya want to do something worthwhile? Go get me a Slurpee for real.

Human Torch: Eat me, Mount Rushmore.

The Thing: I'm gonna keep that in mind. Hey Sue, let me ask ya a question. How come in the movie when ya use yer powers and you ain't in uniform, you gotta strip to be totally transparent? But in the game, in the beginning when yer costume ain't available yet.. your powers still turn ya all the way invisible. How'd that happen? 

Human Torch: Yeah sis, why is that exactly?

Invisible Woman: Uh... um.... *disappears*

Mr. Fantastic: Not again! That's an irrelevant question, but a fine observation nevertheless, Ben. Good work. How about that sound department then? I know that Johnny loves hearing his own voice, so let's have him speak.

Human Torch: You know me all too well, Reed. Yes, well, our voices in the game are provided by the same Hollywood talent who starred as us in the feature film. Yet, only my part in it is superb.

The Thing: Oh please, squirt. You're only saying that 'cause yer in love with yerself. The real truth is, no one ain't got the ability to act.

Mr. Fantastic: You are quite on the money, Ben. Licensed movie games always seem to be affected by the same fate of passionless actors. Or, maybe somebody wants the dialogue to sound hokey? Either way, Ioan Gruffudd (Mr. Fantastic), Jessica Alba (Invisible Woman), Chris Evans (Human Torch), Michael Chiklis (The Thing), and Julian McMahon (Dr. Doom) have all lost a lot of life when representing us (and our enemy) in the game.

Invisible Woman: Where was I? Oh yes, I was about to say, "Activision and their affiliated partners are not responsible for the production or payment of the papered document that you are about to hear. The answer that you seek to this valuable question that has been inquired upon said clothes remaining on Susan Storm's boddess is due to time constraints. Thank you for your contribution to our game! Expect your free t-shirt embroidered with the official Fantastic Four logo as a gift from us to arrive within 4-6 business weeks."

Human Torch: Uh, okay Susie. We actually went past that question a little while ago. Welcome back to the party.

Invisible Woman: Oh, uh... thanks Johnny.

Mr. Fantastic: That was a bit peculiar. Ignoring that, and to further venture into the sound arena, what else is given to players is a mix of audio and music bytes. Rock music... no offense Ben.

The Thing: None taken, squiggles.

Mr. Fantastic: Yes, well... insipid heavy tunes carry the way through battles. It's just filler, forgettable material for what you'd expect from a poor choice of game specimen such as this.

Invisible Woman: Along with the music goes the same for the effects that don't add a great significance toward livening the experience of being a super hero. Punching, smashing, laser beam-blasting, and demolishing noises are all here where they need to be. But, there isn't much of an aural surrounding to provide for a wondrous adventure. There isn't a free-to-roam New York City to navigate through hundreds of scampering people, and traffic rushing all about, or a galactic spaceship with photon lasers and surreal alien speak. There is the basic additives of fire crackling or a floor crumbling here or there. There's nothing special to hear or see, though. Speaking of seeing, I'm out. *poofs*

Mr. Fantastic: Yes, I must also depart as well. I have an "engaging" inquiry for someone special.

Human Torch: Are you going to ask my sister to marry you? Because if you do, and you break her heart, I'll break your stamp collection.

Mr. Fantastic: Not my mint condition '32s!

Human Torch: Meet me in the alley out back, and we'll talk about this hostage situation some more. *door shuts*

The Thing: Ahh, everyone's finally gone. Now I can finish this Slurpee in peace. *gushing sucking noises* That's what I call good Slurpee. I guess I'll see ya in the funny pages, everybody. Review's over. Now scram before I get angry. You won't like me when I'm angry. Just kidding, I ain't the Hulk. Or, are I?

There you have it. Fantastic Four is one heck of a game, huh? It's soaring with high scores, raving reviews, and... oh wait, no it isn't. I should probably skim over what the quadruplets had to say. Hmm, hmm, hmm... doo, da, doo... ah yes. I see that they didn't like the game either. Bluntly, Fantastic Four is a game that you needn't buy. A rent maybe is worth the price of admission here, but otherwise, Fantastic Four, to sum it up is mediocre through and through. Its action, its story telling, its graphical and audible structure: these things don't match up to any good. A decent supply of unlockables from character combos that you can empower to the extra exclusive content on the side is okay. But, having to endure yet another flimsy licensed game is not a thrill, it's not an adventure, it's not even a kick in the pants that you want to happen. Fantastic Four is just another hurriedly slapped together cash-in imbuing a melding of dissatisfying gaming taste.