9 Songs - Not worth singing about

Let me start by saying that my wife didn't want me to write this review. She is a little embarrassed that we actually watched the film. 9 Songs is an independent film released in 2003 directed by Michael Winterbottom and finally making it's way to DVD. The film debuted at Cannes and how it got a distributor I don't know. The problem is that 9 Songs is not porn, not romantic, not sexy, not interesting.

WARNING! The film 9 Songs is sexually explicit so this review must reference some of it. Plus I'm going to make fun of it. So if either of those are offensive, turn back now! You've been warned....!

Story
This story is about Englishman Matt (played by Kieran O'Brien, who looks suspiciously like a monkey), and Lisa (played by Margot Stilley who has ruined any chance of a serious career), an American girl on extended work program to London. They meet at a rock concert and begin to have sex. Then they have some more sex. Then to mix things up and add variety, they have some sex. Then they fight and she leaves when her work program is over. Then Matt goes to Antarctica to study ice.

Seriously, that's it.

The film is bookended with shots of Antarctica and over-bearing voice-over by Matt who laments about love lost among semi-interesting factoids about Antarctica. As if cold tundra is supposed to represent the depths of love lost. How deep.

The film is interspersed with 9 clips of concert footage (Get it? 9 Songs?) from a bunch of indie rock bands that no one has heard of (except maybe Lambchops) such as The Von Bondies, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, Primal Scream, Super Furry Animals, blah blah. A bunch of bands whose idea of a concert is stand up on stage and sing their songs. I find them boring on stage and they don't improve on celluloid. So what could have been a mediocre rock documentary is interrupted by sexually explicit scenes.

Be assured, the film has explicit sex scenes with the actors actually having sex. This isn't porn in the common definition because it isn't shot very flatteringly. or at least not the angles that most porn connoisseurs would expect. This might be more erotic if the actors weren't totally unattractive. It really gives new meaning to the term "bumping uglies".

The real problem with the film is that it tries so hard to be something profound and important. And it just isn't. The characters are non-existent, mostly due to minimal, banal dialogue improvised by people who have exactly zero improvisational skills. Therefore since the characters don't say anything interesting, they are uninteresting to watch. Therefore I don't care or believe that Matt is depressed when Lisa leaves. I don't care or believe that they were ever in love. I just don't believe any of it because it is all so stupidly put together. We don't know why they are attracted to each other, why they fight, or why he is so bummed when she leaves. I suppose the director wanted to make me see how real couples fight and love. The problem is he just didn't make me care.

DVD extras
The DVD consists of a photo gallery because I want to see stills of ugly naked people and venues for concerts of bands I've never heard of.

The big extra is interviews with the 3 people involved in the film, the director, and 2 actors. Michael Winterbottom is boring and half of the interview is watching him walk to the interview, put on a microphone, and prepare for the interview. If this guy is not totally self-absorbed I don't know who is.

The next interview is with Kieran O'brien and is shot with a wide angle lens that accentuates his monkey-like features. He's somewhat laid back, but gives very little insight into the film itself. Basically he made the film because he promised his buddy Michael in a bar that he would. He treats the whole thing like a big joke. As he should. Now that's what I call dedicated to the art.

Margot Stilley tries so hard to legitimize her role in the film. She's obviously embarrassed of the media attention that the film got and I'm guessing that she wouldn't do it again if given the chance. So instead of coming clean, she inflates the process about how she stayed in character "for hours" after shooting. What does that mean? She went and slept with the crew before she became herself again? She tries so hard for us to believe that the story is deep and wonderful, and poignant. And the whole time I kept thinking "Congratulations, Margot! You made really bad porn!"

Conclusion
Not erotic, not interesting, not romantic. Not worth watching.