Works "Out Of The Box" for 4/5 Families!

As a therapist working, primarily, with children and families for nearly 30 years, finding materials that parents can read and use is an ongoing struggle. Some years back, I came across an earlier edition of this book and have used it, successfully, with literally hundreds of families. It presents, in regular language, a deceptively simple-sounding system that allows parents whose children are presenting common behavior problems with a way to manage their children that accomplishes two very important things. 1) Used correctly and consistently, the responsibility for the unacceptable behavior is clearly assigned to the child, and, perhaps more importantly, 2)Dr. Phelan gives parents the tools they need to deal with these 'problematic' behaviors without getting too emotionally upset about it themselves. The second point is impossible to overvalue: When a child behaves badly and the parent responds by getting upset - it is often akin to throwing gasoline on a small fire. That metaphor is, in my experience, not hyperbole!

The basic idea, clearly presented and available as book, CD, VHS and DVD, is that when a parent first notices the early signs that their child is getting ready to do something wrong - they give them a warning, or a series of warnings as needed - followed, if the warnings do not succeed, with a reasonable (and matter-of-fact) consequence for the child. Warning #1: The parent sees what he/she has learned to recognize as a nearly immediate precursor of an unacceptable behavior. The parent says to the child something like, "That's Number One." That is the child's first warning - and after the system is used for a while - it is as far as many parents will need to go. Sometimes, especially when the system is first introduced into a family, that won't work. The child will continue to move closer to doing the 'wrong' thing. The parent, again matter-of-factly, says "That's Number Two." And THAT is the LAST warning. If the child does not use their own ability to self control (which all children have at least SOME of), the parent goes to, "That's Number Three and (....consequence.) The consequence might be a time-out or other brief but certain consequence for the child not stopping themselves. Sounds simple and it is - though it is not unusual for the program to require individualization for different families and different children.

The book/program is divided into two basic sections. Firstly, there are the "STOP behaviors", i.e. methods to manage the behaviors that we want the child to stop doing. (Teasing a sib, jumping on furniture, being rude or disrespectful, etc...): The second section deals with what Dr. Phelan simply refers to as the "START behaviors", ( getting children to do things they won't do. Cleaning up their own things, doing homework, being ready to leave home for school on time, etc. are a few examples.) The STOP behaviors ordinarily work more readily than do the START behaviors which tend to require more flexibility, experimentation and trial and error on the part of the adults.

Children resist change, and it is quite common for them to resist the introduction of this (or ANY) new system in their home aimed at managing their behaviors - but if parents hang in with this one - consulting with a professional as needed to 'customize' it for their particular situation, the results have been Predictably positive.

No one book or system is the best or right solution for every parent and child. But, that being said, Tom Phelan's "1-2-3 Magic" is a wonderfully easy to read and implement way to begin to try to discipline in a consistent, organized, fair and predicatable manner.
A nice read for professionals and an incredibly useful set of tools for parents worried about certain things their child/children either do or don't do that concern them.