John Gray - Mars and Venus on a Date: A Guide for Navigating the 5 Stages of Dating to Create a Loving and Lasting Relationship

I have to concur with some of the other reviews. This book, though it was written in the '90s is hopelessly out of date. I say that because John Gray seems to have a very antiquated approach to how men and women should conduct themselves on the eve of the 21st century, when it was written. Here is yet another tired formula for navigating the dating scene, one replete with the author's opinion that women SHOULD NEVER initiate a call to a man they're interested in. Now, some of old-fashioned mind and middle American attitudes might think that much of the author's advice is rather quaint and sensible. Not that all people from that part of the country would agree with him and yes, there are times even I thought that he was being naively sincere. However, we did go through a sexual equality era in the '60s and '70s, and I would like to think that we have come further than romance as it was in the victorian era.

Gray offers up the "Five stages of relationships" which include Stage 1 Attraction, Stage 2 Uncertainty, Stage 3 Exclusivity, Stage 4 Engagement. Each stage, according to Gray is a necessary step on the road to creating and nurturing a loving and intimate relationship. Well, in theory, this is a nice idea, but we all know that no two relationships are alike and that any relationship doesn't necessarily work out the way Gray lays out. Being single carries with it many variables and complexities and every individual is different in their approach to finding and keeping meaningful relationships with the opposite sex. I think that the author is too idealistic and puts the dynamics of human engagement into a box. People are complex and what works for one, may not hold true for another. Gray doesn't seem to take into account the fact that not all of these five proscribed stages should be followed to the letter in order to have a successful relationship with someone.

Gray seems to be of the opinion that his formula should be used for all people on all occasions. For example, he believes that the woman should never initiate a phone call, as I mentioned previously, because men love the chase and will lose interest in someone who calls them first. Yes, it's true that there is a huge degree of uncertainty if not fear, in the early stages of a dating relationship, but again not ALL men don't appreciate a woman calling them first. Some men may be shy or uncertain as to whether the woman really likes them and may be delighted when a woman they have dated a few times initiates a call. I feel that Gray puts the man-woman thing into this process too much. He believes that if the woman never calls the man, that even if he doesn't call for a week, he will eventually snap back like a "rubberband." Well, having had tons of dating experience, this is not always true. Some men I have dated have later told me (if I ever talk to them again) that because I didn't call them first, they simply concluded that I wasn't interested. So, that argument goes out the window.

No one, male or female, wants someone who pursues them too much, we all like our space to a certain degree and there are no hard and fast rules about who should make the first after date call. Gray believes that intimacy should only occur in the 4th stage or intimacy stage that he outlines and that you don't really know you are truly interested until that stage. When I read this, I was floored, actually I nearly fell out of my chair. I myself know who I am interested in before we get intimate, maybe as early as the first or second stage, so this is ridiculous to say the least. How can you know you want to get intimately involved with someone and wait until the fourth stage? People usually know if they want to pursue something after the second or third date, if you get that far! Gray ends the chapter on uncertainty by saying: "At a certain point in the uncertainty stage, if you have been careful not to pursue other relationships, both the man and woman will be ready to move on to having an exclusive relationship." Well, again, this is a nice thought, but in real life it doesn't always happen that way. Some people may be casually dating others to see "who they want to be with" in this uncertainty period and then decide to pursue the one they feel is the best prospect for a more serious relationship. It doesn't necessarily hold true that you have to be exclusive and not date others to get to the exclusivity stage. Here, Gray contradicts himself with the quote above. Again, it depends on the circumstances and the two individual's proclivities and desires to become exclusive. Also, when we get to the next level after uncertainty, that of stage three or exclusivity, couldn't it also be true that some people might still be dating others? According to Gray, this is not possible, once you are "exclusive" you may still date others. Though this it is technically not right to be actively pursuing others once you are in a relationship, being in this stage, doesn't stop some people as we all know.

Gray believes that it is only once you've reached stage four, the intimacy stage, do you become intimate. Intimacy though, can and often does occur much sooner and again there is no hard and fast rule that dictates whether or when the couple will become physically intimate. My parents, who are going on their 47th wedding anniversary knew immediately that they would be together and were intimate their very first date. Many people believe that people should wait until the third date or even beyond before they get sexually involved, but again, each situation is different and what works for some, may not work for others.

After the stage four intimacy phase, Gray believes that engagement should follow. Again, not all couples who have been intimate or who are together for a few years, necessarily become engaged. This is all very rigid and idealistic. Logically, one can see how all the stages should follow in a picture perfect order, but in real life, relationships don't always work the way Gray believes; life is rarely symmetrical. There are folks who meet in the attraction (stage one) and who skip stages two and three; culminating in marriage or engagement. Others may follow the Gray formula more closely, whether consciously or not, and it still doesn't work. Human relationships are very dynamic and complex, subject to human fallibility, pre-conceived notions, and other variables; most situations don't mirror what the author believes to be true.

I have read many books about romantic relationships and how to find a lasting and deep connection, and this is not one of the worst ones, but it is very unrealistic and too pre-packaged in its nature. I think that Gray presupposes that all people are similar and behave the same way in dating situations. There are constants in human nature, but like I said before, there really is no tried and true "formula" that can guarantee or even help to promote a healthy and loving relationship. Not a bad book, but its impossible rigidity isn't practical, in my opinion for most people in today's dating world.