John Gray - Mars and Venus on a Date: A Guide for Navigating the 5 Stages of Dating to Create a Loving and Lasting Relationship

For as long as I can remember, John Gray has been one of the most popular relationship advice "experts" on the market. His best-selling Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus never quite sat right with me. Based on what I heard about it in the press, it sounded to me like the kind of essentializing advice that none of us need--the kind that encourages us to believe that men and women are naturally different (so different, in fact, that they should be described as coming from different planets) and that we must pander to these "essential differences" rather than seeking common ground.

Once in a while, though, I like to check out for myself the actual text toward which I have directed my animus. (This has led in the past to such tortures as listening to the Howard Stern show for a month to confirm that yes, he is a sexist jerk, just as I had suspected.) It is in this spirit that I picked up one of Gray's more recent works, Mars and Venus on a Date. And to Gray's credit, he managed to provide enough sexist drivel to far exceed my initial skepticism.

Mars and Venus on a Date, as the title suggests, takes up Gray's general perspective about the natural differences between men and women and applies them to providing advice to single men and women going through the trials and tribulations of dating. According to the introduction, many singles attended Gray's seminars and read the original volume, which was aimed at married couples, and begged him for guidance specific to dating and finding a mate.

The result was Mars and Venus on a Date, which divides the dating process into five stages: attraction, uncertainty, exclusivity, intimacy, and engagement. According to Gray, every successful relationship must proceed through these five stages, and in this order. If a stage is skipped or the stages are experienced out of order, the relationship simply will not proceed to the desired stable marriage state. Gray believes that most of the angst both men and women experience during dating stems from a failure to understand these stages and how men and women feel differently at each stage. The intention of the book is to guide readers through the correct form each stage should take, common mistakes members of both sexes make at each stage, and suggestions for how to improve relationships by dealing with the stages effectively.

At all times, Gray's interpretation of the way to act at each stage is based upon his ideas about what men and women are naturally like, although these meanings do not emerge right away. As you begin the book, you might simply think that he's saying men and women have some different tendencies. Soon enough, however, it becomes clear that Gray is making a strong normative claim not only about what men and women are like, but further, about what men and women should be like. The further I got into the book, the more shocked I became at the highly traditional gender roles Gray supports.

A few examples should suffice to illustrate the nature of Gray's ideas. Gray believes that many women ruin their relationships at an early stage by misunderstanding the nature of the "uncertainty" stage--stage 2 of the proper relationship pattern. In this stage, according to Gray, it is natural for men to question whether they want to go any further with this woman. The way men naturally deal with these uncertainties is to withdraw from the relationship in order to think things over. He may not call or even think of the woman for days, weeks, or even months. During this time, according to Gray, the woman should not call the man and ask him inappropriate questions like how he feels about her or the relationship. Rather, she should give him time and wait for him to call her. He will call her if it was meant to be. If she simply must call him, she should make sure not to be accusatory; perhaps she could call and shoot the breeze with a light-hearted tone, or perhaps ask him for advice about something on which he has expertise.

I found this advice to be almost excruciatingly preposterous. What particularly struck me was how similar this advice sounds to the much-reviled advice given in The Rules. In both cases, women will bag their man by not calling; the only difference is that in The Rules, many men felt that the book encouraged women to "trick" men into marriage by using these machinations. Apparently, in the case of Mars and Venus on a Date, Gray has convinced people that such disingenuous behavior is about recognizing men's natural needs rather than about manipulating them. I fail to see the difference.

I thought Gray had gotten pretty ridiculous by this point, but then he trumped himself in his discussion of the attraction phase and how men and women should act early in dating. According to Gray's gender-role philosophy, women are there to receive gifts (of attention and care, as well as material gifts) from men. Men do not want to receive gifts in return--a woman who gives to a man reciprocally appears to be desperate. Rather, women should graciously accept men's attentions with a polite thank you; all men need to be happy is the reward of knowing that they made the woman happy. For example, Gray advises that when on a date, a woman should not, under any circumstances, reach across the car to unlock the man's door for him. No, this would be ungraceful and would not be becoming, thus jeopardizing the attraction the man feels for her because he feels that his gift of letting her into the car first has been rejected. Of course, Gray does not entertain the possibility that the woman might be driving on the date; that, too, would probably compromise the attraction.

In short, then, the book proceeds through example after example about the nature of different stages of dating and how men and women (but usually, women--isn't it always our fault?) mess relationships up by misunderstanding the needs and preferences of their "alien" dating partners. For Gray, the clear answer to these problems is understanding the necessarily stages of a good relationship and, apparently, behaving toward one's partner as though we were back in the 1950s.

As it happens, I couldn't even bring myself to read more than the first few chapters of this (lengthy and seemingly repetitive) book. The antiquated gender ideology was simply too disgusting to take any longer. And while reading only the first few chapters of some books would not be adequate to assess them, I think it is enough in this case. Gray had laid out his basic argument several times, and his general perspective on gender roles was quite clear. In fact, Gray himself even suggests that before recommending the book to others (such as your dating partner), you should talk over a few of its ideas to see if Gray's advice rings true to that person. If it doesn't, Gray says you shouldn't ask that person to read the book. What a relief: I finally found a piece of Gray's advice I could take.

Notes on the audio edition: The Books on Tape recording of Mars and Venus on a Date is read by Alexander Adams. The reading is smooth and the tone appropriate for the book's content; I actually felt as though I were listening to Gray himself reading it. Adam's voice and tone actually reminded me of Gary Zukav, a current lifestyle guru often featured on Oprah. The reading is firm and authoritative, but also gentle and encouraging. Perfect for telling women to get back in the kitchen and quit trying to be men's equals.