There's an old expression that goes something like "If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with stupidity." I guess they forgot to mention what happens with the people who don't actually find stupidity baffling, or riddling, perplexing, subjugating, or any of those other "ing" words. So I think I'm on to their next strategy, which is "If you can't baffle them with stupidity, pummel them with cliches."

So I actually learned something from "A Guy Thing", what do you know. I never knew I had it in me. But I guess it's a good thing I did, 'cause they sure don't have it in them!

Well I'm not making much sense so we'll get to the easy part. I hope you're sitting down. A Guy Thing is about a guy, Paul Morse (Jason Lee). (Sorry, no Morse Code jokes, that would be so cliche for me.) Anyway, he is getting married to this chick, Karen (Selma Blair) who has an odd resemblance, in and out, to Molly, Demi Moore's character in Ghost. Paul is at his bachelor's party having a halfassed time, and before you know it, he's off to beddy bye. A tune plays over the phone ringing seven or eight times with the repeated lyric of G-ddamn right, it's a beautiful day. Finally, Van Wilder... excuse me, PAUL, picks up the phone and while he's talking, we discover that there's a girl in the bed with him. And it is not the girl whom he is about to marry.

The remainder of the movie leaves you with this mystery of whether or not the two of them got it waxed, and doesn't actually answer the question till around an hour later. In the meantime, it distracts you with a torn-apart jigsaw puzzle of a plot in which parents come to visit, parties are thrown, Paul tries to avoid the other girl, he ends up bumping into her (I find it easier to believe in time travel than some of the coincidential meetings these two had), and the most interesting thing that is revealed is that the girl is his wife-to-be's cousin. I was able to spot the ending somewhere between the 30 and 45 minute mark. And I'm no good at that at all!

The Guy Thing experience is not as painful as something like Freddy Got Fingered, but it is no more immersible than, say a two ton slab of concrete. One might also say it as immersible as thin air; you can get into it easily, but you don't feel like you're immersed in anything. Either way, the principle is the same. It's 50% watching, 50% sitting there. You might also be advised to check your heart at the door, you won't need it. You'll only spare yourself the high cholesterol count of nachos and cheese.

Julia Stiles was the best part of the movie, as Becky, the "other" white meat. The other girl, I mean. She has one of those infectious cute little football-shaped smiles and uses it frequently throughout the movie. Becky is a little weird, but I have met girls in my life who are a lot like her, maybe not with the same combination of traits. Those would be a lot of head movement while talking, a relatively low voice and a foot fetish.

Selma Blair fares well enough as the wife-to-be, but unfortunately the script is so contrived it is a wonder she can even open her mouth without turning away, swinging her right hand briefly in the air in a gesture of defeat and saying "I can't do this!" There's all of this high-strung individual just screaming to come out. It builds up to a point where you don't even want it to. She comes so close to "catching" Paul, as do many other characters, and I often found myself thinking, "There's no way he's getting out of this one, that's impossible!" Turns out I'd be right. But he would still get out of it, 'cause it's "a guy thing". If I just lost you there, the movie is going to really leave you in the dust!

Jason Lee reminded me a lot of Van Wilder, as I previously mentioned. I honestly thought it was the same guy, Ryan Reynolds. To make matters worse, when I saw Ryan in Van Wilder I thought it was Ben Affleck! It's getting to where I can't tell all these guys apart. Well, Jason here did pretty much everything you'd expect the others to do, play the guy and don't laugh. Say the lines, nod your head, squint your eyes a tiny bit, and so on and so forth.

There is a slight charm to the buildup of the relationship between Becky and Paul, accented by "little" things like the "Hill" and a "get to know each other" sequence when the two of them are trapped in a shower stall by a dog while breaking into her ex-boyfriend's apartment.

The humor at times also transcended the "Something About Mary" brand of weiner zipping and such. If only there had been more palpable reasons for it to be there. Paul's having to feign diahhrea to avoid seeing Becky actually works, but it also means he misses the entire party and while I can't say I've ever been in his shoes, it still seemed rather outrageous. Why he had to lie to the policemen about who it was that jumped him in the street is well beyond my reaches as well. Apparently it just had to "come out" that way so that they could bring in a character for the person he described. I cannot even describe to you in words that character. You thought the "subway ghost" had deformed features? You ain't seen nothin', Jack.

Larry Miller was a welcome addition, a familiar face for the fans of Eddie Murphy's Nutty Professor movies. His presence alone made the movie more accessible. Like having that one person at the party who knows you and doesn't ignore you.

All in all, I guess it turns out I wasn't missing that much after all. But I needed something to do. It was worth it for me, but for those of you with higher standards, I'd be more than happy to steer you away.
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